In our first year of marriage, my stepdaughter turned 13 and was in 7th grade. To be honest, that was a good year.
The following year, however — 8th grade — now, that was hard!
I saw a lot of eye rolling that year. And there was a lot of shutting herself in her room. And getting mad if we didn’t let her do anything and everything she wanted with her friends at any given moment of the day (or sometimes night.)
And there I was, a stepmom who didn’t have a history with the children since birth…
…nor an automatic voice of authority.
Yet as a stepmom whose husband worked a lot, I did need to have a certain voice of influence in my home.
And ultimately, my desire was to develop a loving, trusting relationship that could sustain us through the teen years and beyond!
I had a job before me.
My job was the responsibility of earning the respect of my stepdaughter (and stepson) while simultaneously caring for their needs, providing a loving home for them, and wading my way through a newish marriage — all with a new baby at home — and all without losing my mind in the process!
It would require perseverance, determination, and a lot of humility…
…but that eye rolling from my stepdaughter? That drove me crazy.
So I tried to focus on these 3 things:
1) I made it clear how valued my stepdaughter was in our home, and how I wanted to share a mutual respect with her.
I made a point to smile at my stepdaughter often, and look for ways to draw her out of her room and invite her to take part in family activities.
She needed to know we valued her presence, especially because our new baby was getting a lot of our attention.
Showing stepchildren we value them even when they act aloof or outright reject us can be hard. But we can still model the respect we desire to receive.
Maybe for you this means first expressing that you love/like or simply respect your stepchild (whatever the child is ready to hear). Then clearly state that you are willing to listen to him/her — and they likewise need to listen to you.
Having a pleasant demeanor and controlling the tone of my voice when I spoke went a long way with both my stepkids.
And yes, I messed up along the way! At times I showed frustration or impatience in my voice and needed to apologize. But by continually reminding my stepdaughter of her value when we expressed our goals and expectations for her, she and I were able to develop a rapport of trust.
2) I gently explained to my stepdaughter that I was now a parent-figure in her life, “the mom of this home,” but with that came perks, too, not just rules.
First of all, it meant I wanted to invest in her life and do nice things for her, too!
I reminded her of the fun things she and I had done together. I reminded her of the times I had gone out of my way to do something just for her, like when I helped her plan a really fun birthday slumber party for her and her friends, or when she and I went shopping together and shared lots of laughs.
Just talking about the good things we had done together helped my stepdaughter see how valued she was with more clarity when she had been fixating on what she wasn’t getting at that moment.
Finally, I listened to her heart. Sometimes the eye rolling came because she didn’t feel heard or accepted the way she was. When I could relate to her circumstances on her terms, she softened.
When we can provide a safe space for our stepkids to become vulnerable by listening to their hearts and not immediately criticizing them, that can open a door for connection.
3) I made an effort to model the respect I was asking of her. And believe me, I needed a lot of Jesus to do that…especially during the eye-roll moments!!
Remember Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself?”
Guess what? Your stepchild is “your neighbor!”
God wants us to love that child the way we love ourselves, and even more so, the way He loves us. The good news is, He’s prepared to help us with that!
Be true and authentic. Listen well; show grace. Apologize.
When you’re stuck in the muck of the challenging eye-rolling, foot-stomping, door-slamming years, it can often feel like there’s no end in sight; no hope for a peaceful relationship. It can be maddening…
But don’t give up and don’t give in to the immaturity.
Be lovingly consistent.
My stepdaughter did eventually grow out of the eye rolling phase.
Over time, she did admit that she appreciated the boundaries we gave her. She told us it made her feel cared for, even when it seemed like she truly hated it at the time.
We developed a mutual respect for each other, and we were actually able to laugh together and have fun through much of the teen years! Addressing the hard stuff early also prepared us to navigate the young adult years with more openness.
Our relationship didn’t happen easily or without a lot of perseverance, humility, and prayer…and there were plenty of bumps in the road. But anything of value takes work.
Investing in my stepdaughter’s life even through the eye rolling phase was definitely worth the effort!
