You’ve been stuck inside your four walls for a while now during quarantine.
You’ve been making extra meals, dolling out extra snacks, cleaning up extra piles and possibly even homeschooling the kids. Maybe you’re working from home, or trying to parent the kids from your workplace via cell phone.
You knew it would stretch you when the world was asked to stay home.
But what you hadn’t counted on was All.The.Fighting.
And bickering. And tattling. And provoking, nitpicking, copying, teasing, fussing, hitting, competing, and maybe even bullying.
You hear messages about how you should be enjoying this time at home with your family and you desperately wish you could embrace that. You see pictures on social media portraying children putting puzzles together or enjoying nature walks as a family.
But all you can think is: “How are their kids getting along?”
Or “Are the airlines still booking bargain flights to Fiji…and if so, how do I get there alone…and fast?”
In an ideal world, you would enjoy being together with your family, right?
You would love to have dinner in peace, or enjoy watching your kids play or interact together without being on edge.
You would love to be able to make happy memories. You’d like to stop feeling mentally exhausted from being the referee, and you wish you could stop feeling guilty for raising your voice and (gulp) joining into the drama.
For stepfamilies, the pressure for all the kids to get along can be even more suffocating.
We sometimes assume that kids will automatically get along, or that their issues with each other are trivial. When the kids aren’t getting along, we feel guilty for putting them into a situation they didn’t ask for, or get frustrated that all the “blending” is taking so long.
So how do we stay sane in quarantine when the kids are fighting all day long about just about anything possible?
1. Stay calm and don’t add fuel to their fire
When kids are tearing each other apart or bickering without ceasing it can be downright infuriating.
But parents, you need to stay calm and be a voice of reason in a chaotic situation. If you get lured into the drama, you will only escalate things and model impulsive reactions. This might mean you need to step away and take a breather while you gather your thoughts and composure.
But what if the fighting is causing someone to get hurt or property to be damaged?
What happens if there is bullying going on?
How can I let the kids hurt each other?
Notice I didn’t say “stay out,” or “don’t get involved.” I said to stay calm and be a voice of reason.
Obviously you need to step in if someone or something is getting hurt! And obviously you need to defend a child who is getting picked on.
But as you make the decision to enter into the the conflict, first take a deep breath. Then, make a conscious effort to use logic and self-restraint instead of letting your frustrations or anxiety dictate how you respond.
Listen to your voice and watch your tone. Try to avoid yelling, as it just creates more chaos for the child and gives the child a reason to tune you out or blame you for losing your cool instead of taking ownership over their own behavior!
2. Listen to each child
Taking the time to listen to every tattle or complaint can very easily overtake your day; I get it. It can be really time consuming to stop and listen to each child’s side. You end up feeling like a courtroom judge who needs to hear both sides of the story before making a decision and it’s exhausting!
But listening to the hearts of the bickering children doesn’t have to be in the heat of the moment.
In other words, sometimes “putting out fires,” is all we can do in the heat of the moment. We can’t possibly get everyone to see eye-to-eye when emotions are running high and all logic has been left behind.
Let everyone simmer down through some physical distance, and then take a moment to truly listen to why there is ongoing stress and tension between the siblings.
Use the bickering as an opportunity to teach relationship skills and how to cope with stress and disagreements in a healthy way.
Create a family plan so everyone understands what your household expectations are. Heather Hetchler, co-founder of Learning2Step and stepfamily coach, suggests sitting down with your spouse/significant other and coming up with a list of household expectations together. That way, when any child — bio or step — in the home breaks one of the rules, there is an unbiased set of expectations and consequences for both parents to enforce.
This eliminates the potential of a child feeling unfairly treated.
3. Look for the triggers
While adults are dealing with their own questions and fears about the future, our kids and stepkids are not immune!
Not only are they in a blended family situation that they already likely don’t have much control over, now they are dealing with many other major changes. Looking for their triggers can help in the moment of bickering and arguing between siblings.
Trigger: Overwhelm
Are the kids getting overwhelmed trying to do school from home? Are the kids overwhelmed with managing the adult emotions in the home? Are the kids being put in the middle of a COVID-19 custody argument?
Just like adults, sometimes kids just need a break from other people.
Sometimes I see parents try to force bickering siblings to spend lots of time together “to make up.” Yet consider this: How would you feel if your boss forced you to hug your rude coworker after she just verbally attacked you?
I have found with my kids that if everyone is at each other’s throats and everything is becoming a problem to fight over, there is a lot of overwhelm going on.
Often it’s because everyone is tired or just feeling extra emotional or tense. I tell everyone to take a book or a quiet toy/game to their bed or a quiet space in the house.
Most of the time, after there has been some distance between the kids, I don’t even have to address the issue because the time apart creates enough of a mental buffer. Usually they find a way to play with each other and are able to get along just fine.
Trigger: Over-stimulation
Too much noise, screen-time, “home school” school work that seems too hard, rough housing with each other, other people in the house bickering, etc…
This kind of sensory overload can very easily lead to the over-stimulation of the brain. When the brain is working hard to make sense of all the chaos around it, it is unable to process emotions logically.
This goes hand-in-hand with children who have experienced loss or trauma. When a child is trying to establish whether or not his/her environment is safe, that is limiting the executive function of the brain, and that can include making reasonable decisions about getting along with others in a conflict situation.
Complicated? Absolutely. But impossible to handle? No.
Start by removing as many as the stimuli as possible.
Turn off the TV or music or game system. Separate the kids who are fighting to cut down on yelling and unnecessary competition over who is right. Go outside with the child and get fresh air and listen to the birds chirping or sounds in the distance. Take a walk together. Offer a healthy snack.
Again, remain calm. Watch for your own triggers and try to be patient even if you’ve had enough! Remind the child of the behavior expectations while confirming your love for the child and/or the child’s value.
Validate the child’s frustration. As the child begins to calm down, help the child put words to the emotions he is feeling. Then, encourage the child to find ways she can make things better, not add to the problem.
Help the child develop empathy — instead of resentment — for the siblings that are involved in the fighting. If an older sibling is chronically annoyed with a younger sibling, for example, show the older sibling how much it means to the younger one when they invest just a little of their time or attention.
4. Incorporate fun into your household
There is a time and a place for letting the kids work things out on their own, but this will be made easier if there is a relationship to use as a foundation!
To the extent that the kids want to participate, try to engage and include everyone in a family game, a family scavenger hunt, a family game of Pictionary, etc. Will that solve all your problems? No. Sometimes it might just seem like one more thing to fight over.
But don’t give up. Even if a child or stepchild refuses to join in on the fun, make it clear that you are inviting them to participate and that you miss them if they don’t.
Smile. I say this all the time. Smiling breaks down walls and it softens hard hearts. Fake it if you have to. A gentle demeanor will do more for your relationship than words will ever be able to.
Finally, try to make light of situations that aren’t that big of a deal. Joke with the child and give them the benefit of the doubt whenever possible!
5. Pray for The Child AND Pray With The Child
God knows the child or children in our life infinitely better than we will ever. This means that God understands the emotional needs, the mental road blocks, the physical aggression, the reason for lying, the reason for picking on another child, etc. better than we can ever understand.
When a child is causing trouble or is constantly fighting with another sibling, go to the One who is the source of all understanding, knowledge, and compassion.
Pray for wisdom.
Pray for the heart of the child to repent, soften, and turn to God.
Pray with your spouse/significant other about each child and for specific ways to deal with a child causing extra problems.
Pray for guidance as to appropriate forms of discipline/consequences.
And lastly, pray as a family. Address issues that are creating division in your family and pray about them. Invite God into your mess and allow the kids to see you seeking God’s peace for your family.
He will show up!
Regardless of how we handle it, we are faced with kids’ emotions on overdrive. As parents, step-parents, or care-givers, it’s our job to decide when it’s the right time to step in and help defuse the situation.
Instead of letting the stress ruin you, however, look for ways to get into the heart of the child and teach that child ways to cope with their emotions in a healthy way!
