So you met someone special. He is amazing and you are smitten. There’s just one thing: He has kids.
Actually, that’s not too uncommon anymore. With the national divorce rate right at 50% of all marriages in the U.S., it’s understandable that blended families are becoming more and more the norm.
But did you know that the divorce rate for second marriages climbs to over 65%?
Whether you are a single woman or a single mom, this is not meant to discourage you from pursuing this relationship. After all, I was a single woman who married a man with kids! And, challenging as it has been over the years, I’d do it all over again.
But it is important to ask some serious questions if you are considering life as a stepmom.
When I met my husband, I was on cloud nine.
I couldn’t foresee anything getting in the way of our bliss and happiness. Kids, ex-wife, child support payments…nothing could stop us!
However, even with that confidence naivete, I’m glad I forced myself to address serious issues. Not only did it give me peace of mind to have conversations about our beliefs and dreams for the future, it gave me a strong glimpse at his character. And yes, I was prepared to walk away if our ideals hadn’t lined up.
Granted, there is no way of predicting everything that will happen over the years. After all, nothing is 100 percent predictable; not even with a man without kids!
But when kids are involved, you are essentially entering a pre-existing family. If you aren’t careful, you may be getting yourself into something you hadn’t bargained for.
Asking tough questions won’t prevent every heartache, but it can prevent some major ones.
All marriages take work. But in a stepfamily you can assume that you WILL face difficult situations. There will likely be feelings of confusion as you raise someone else’s children. And depending on your child custody arrangement, you may be dealing with the kids’ biological mom on a regular basis.
God gave us a gut…so we should listen to it!
If you have deal breakers, and the warning bells are ringing, listen to them. It’s better to cut off a relationship with a man with kids cleanly before investing time, money and your heart…just to feel resentful – or trapped – later.
So, is it all bad?
No way!
God can bring together people with a difficult past and turn it into a wonderful union that blesses you and others.
As stepmoms, we can beautifully display God’s love when we love and care for any children, regardless if they are biological or not.
Furthermore, it can be profoundly satisfying to invest into a child’s life, and watch that child grow up with your influence stamped onto his/her character.
Truly, if your marriage is rooted in honesty, humility and humor, God will equip you to handle any challenges that come your way.
So, go ahead. Ask the questions. Pray and listen to God’s voice. Talk to others and humbly listen to their counsel.
You will not regret the time you spend doing your due diligence!
Whether you are in the early stages of dating or getting more serious, these are things you NEED to consider before tying the knot!
8 Big Questions Women Should Ask Before Marrying a Man With Kids
1. Does he share your core beliefs and morals?
With all the disagreements that can occur in marriage, it’s important to have common core beliefs and morals to fall back on.
Granted, marrying someone with a shared faith doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing. Nor does any couple ever see perfectly eye to eye on everything. But if you share a faith, your marriage has a much greater chance of growing stronger – even within the differences.
If you and your future spouse have different ideas of morality or conflicting spiritual views, you will likely have a long road ahead of you.
Think about it:
When it comes to your moral and spiritual convictions, these can easily become a point of contention if you’re not on the same page. You might not want to go to church alone, or be the only one to share your faith or convictions with the kids. When it comes to a shared faith, it can truly bond or break a couple. That’s why this is the number one thing to consider.
2. Does your significant other want more children?
You might be totally in love and ready to say “I do,” but if you and your significant other are not on the same page with regard to adding more children into the family, chances are your relationship will severely pay for it.
He may feel like he is complete with his children and doesn’t need any more. Or maybe he has agreed to having one more child, but you had always hoped for two.
Or what if you’re the single mom who is done having kids and he wants more?
This can be a contentious area for couples.
The desire for a child can outweigh even the most amicable of relationships. I have seen women threaten to leave their husbands (whom they really love) because he promised to give her an “ours baby” and then later changed his mind, claiming his own kids were enough.
If a woman is robbed of a chance to have a baby, she will very likely harbor deep resentment toward her husband. So do yourself a huge favor and make sure you are on the same page about adding babies before you get married.
3. Do you have similar ideas on discipline?
If you’re lucky, you’ll get a good feeling for this before you get serious. Emphasis on lucky.
In many cases, until you are all living under the same roof, it can be hard to gauge this. After all, we all put on our best face while we are dating! And depending on your circumstances, there might not be a chance to spend a lot of time with the kids before the wedding.
Nevertheless, whenever possible, be adamant about observing him interact with his children. If you are bringing your own children into the relationship, it is important to observe him interact with them, too.
What’s his parenting style?
Is he kind and gentle or authoritarian and abrasive?
Is he addressing behavior issues and teaching his kids to respect authority?
Things like his kids leaving dishes out or dirty clothes on the living room floor might not affect you while you’re dating. But if you get married and are generally the one cleaning that house, it’s easy to start feeling like the maid if he won’t enforce standard habits of tidiness from his kids.
What about a child who talks back or refuses to do as he or she is told? Again, this may not affect you too much while you’re dating. But if you become the stepmom, you are now in a position of authority with a child who refuses to listen to you. And if you’re not being backed up, that can be infuriating.
I’ve even heard many stepmoms lament that their husbands ignore the children or work such long hours that it leaves the stepmom feeling like a babysitter.
I’m not implying that the man should be a perfect parent who always says and does the perfect thing.
That doesn’t exist.
But, if there are trends that you are uncomfortable with, and you are seeing the negative effects in the children, chances are high that you are going to be bearing the weight of this down the road.
4. How honest is he?
A relationship cannot survive without trust, so look for a man of integrity in all areas. You’ll be able to breathe easy knowing you are committing your life to a man who means what he says and follows through with it.
Use this checklist to gauge how honest he is:
1.Does your significant other tell the truth on the little things as well as the big things?
2. Does the full story add up or is there a pattern of making excuses?
3. When it comes to his past, is he forthcoming without just blaming other people, for example, his ex?
4. Does he seem unwilling to let you handle his phone or other electronic devices?
5. Observe him interact with other people. Do you see him stretching the truth to get his way?
6. Is he doing the right thing when no one is looking or when there is no guarantee of personal gain?
When dating, it is totally appropriate to expect the other person to be an open book. This also applies to marriage.
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
Luke 16:10
What if you feel your significant other has been honest with you, but you notice him being dishonest in other things? Sadly, you can guarantee it won’t be long before that dishonesty is used on you, too.
When considering a man to marry, it is appropriate to “fact check” by talking to others who know him.
You wouldn’t hire a person for a job without checking personal references, so why would you marry someone without doing the same? If your goal is to find the truth and make sure his story is lining up, and he has nothing to hide, he will respect you for it.
5. How does he do with money?
Friend, I’m just going to be brutally honest here. When you marry a man with kids, you absolutely will have money issues come up.
Regardless of the size of his bank account, he has children, which means he will likely be responsible for child support, spousal support, possibly lawyer and/or court fees.
As parents of these children, you WILL be paying for clothes, food, school supplies, extra curricular activities, summer camps, school trips, and possibly health and dental insurance and medical bills.
Quite honestly, you may at times feel you are spending more than your fair share.
Next, how about his personal spending?
Does he seem conservative with his money or is he frivolous and spontaneous?
Have a serious conversation about your common goals as a couple.
Your dreams of a house, car, vacations, etc. may have to be put aside or altered, knowing that divorce and kids are expensive. But if he is irresponsible with his money on top of that, you may end up dealing with a lot more than you bargained for.
That said, money isn’t everything. If you can go into the relationship knowing that there will very likely be some sacrifices, but he is still worth it to you, let the money thing go and trust God to be your provider.
6. Why is your significant other divorced?
Was there infidelity? Was there an addiction? How about anger or pride issues?
Life can get messy; sin happens; divorces happen. But since the past is often an indicator of the future, we can’t live with our heads in the sand.
Real change through the Holy Spirit is indeed possible and it is powerful. However, things like infidelity, addiction and anger can rear their ugly heads, even after a life was turned around.
Stress triggers like losing a job, parenting a new baby, dealing with an ex, or getting injured or sick, can propel someone back onto a dangerous path that they had truly turned away from.
I’m not talking about being judgmental or unforgiving here.
But loving a person as a friend and agreeing to spend your life with someone are two different things.
Anyone can behave while they are trying to impress. But as a woman who is considering marrying a man with a past, it is your duty to confirm that he truly has turned from that sin.
Ask the heavy questions:
How proactively is he keeping these areas in check?
Does he have a mentor, support group and other things in place to keep him accountable?
What do friends and family, co-workers, etc. say about him?
Observe his pattern of behavior to see if his repentance is genuine and he is being intentional about his choices.
Above all, heed any warnings you are given. You may not see what others can see when you’re in love. If his character checks out, you’ll be able to relax.
No relationship is perfect and people can turn on us when we least expect it. Furthermore, we are called to walk alongside our husbands in sickness and health. But by doing your homework, at least you can rest assured that you did what you could to avoid getting into a dangerous situation.
7. How will you handle the ex?
There can be a lot of sticky issues when you marry a man with kids. But perhaps the stickiest has to do with dealing with his ex! Why?
It can involve anything from facing differences in co-parenting to not cooperating about pick ups and drop offs, to her slandering your character. Dealing with a difficult ex can threaten to rob you of peace!
How will you handle it if she is adamant about bringing negativity into your life?
While dealing with the ex can be anything from mildly awkward to absolutely horrible, a lot of it has nothing to do with you.
You represent what is broken, even if you had nothing to do with the break up. Now you are stepping in as a mom figure and that is usually not warmly welcomed. Even if you a lucky one who has been welcomed with open arms, most stepmoms have to deal with some resistance at some point.
Will you be able to be cordial even if she is not?
Can you maintain integrity by not badmouthing her to the kids?
Next, pay attention to how your significant other communicates with his ex.
Is he direct with boundaries or is he wishy washy and non-committal? Is he willing to cooperate and compromise?
How he deals with her now is an indication of how things may go if you get married.
Then, ask yourself how you will feel about him communicating with her about the kids. Will it destroy you with worry and jealousy?
The good news is, dealing with a difficult ex doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. Even if that relationship starts out rocky, it can be an area where you grow individually and as a couple.
God can absolutely give you confidence to deal with the ex kindly, and even the ability to love her eventually. But it’s important to know what you are getting yourself into, especially if the ex will play a large role in your lives.
8. If you are single mom, how does he act around your children?
Does he genuinely seem to want to form a relationship with your kids or does he act like they are a burden?
In blended families, you are not only marrying the person; you are marrying into a family. As much as it is important to have time together alone while you are dating, look deeper.
Whether or not you intend to marry this man, if you have children, your first responsibility is to them. Your job as a parent and as an adult is to protect your children, above all else.
Watch your significant other interact with your children. Does he care to invest in your children or is he antsy to get them out of the way? Is he patient and kind? Does he treat them the same way he treats his own kids? Is there any questionable behavior?
If your kids are old enough, ask them what they think. Kids are a great judge of character. They can get a feeling about how genuine a person is, so make sure to take their opinion into serious consideration.
Finding a partner who fits your criteria but doesn’t fit the criteria of being a safe, loving parent to your kids should be an immediate red flag.
I have seen women at their wit’s end because their husbands are taking all of their anger out on her child. Not only is this damaging to your relationship, it absolutely will scar your child and make them question their overall value.
On the other hand, if you find a man who loves your children and truly cares to invest in their lives, that can be an incredible blessing to you and your children, and it will be a model of God’s love to them.
When it comes to deciding whether a man is marriage material or not, not only is it good to look critically at these things, it is your responsibility. You will prevent years of heartache if you are willing to walk away before rearranging your entire life around a man who doesn’t fit this criteria.
God has the right man for you.
He may not be who you had planned on marrying; and he might come with kids in tow! But listen to God’s voice, the counsel of others and respond to that gut feeling.
When you feel true peace, you will just know if it’s God’s will to marry him.
