Recently we celebrated my stepson’s high school graduation. It wasn’t our first graduation ceremony as a blended family. Three years ago we sat on those same bleachers, watching my stepdaughter cross the same stage wearing a cap and gown, diploma in hand.
For us, this marks the end of an era of sorts, the stepchild-raising chapter where they live with us at home. In a few months, my stepson will be entering college in a new city, just like his sister did before him.
Only a few years ago, there were five: two big kids and three little “ours” children all crowded around a dinner table.
For so many years, we were a house full of noise, laundry, family meals, and subsequent dishes. We were a house full of teenage drama, toddler tantrums and cooing babies. There was frustration and laughter, homework and diapers.
When our first “ours baby” was born, I remember thinking that she would be around eight years old when my stepkids had graduated and left the house. It hardly seemed imaginable at the time; and yet, that moment is right around the corner.
It’s been said before that blended families don’t enjoy a honeymoon period because, well…kids.
For us, our first year of marriage meant getting used to each other as a family. It meant getting used to child support payments and awkward encounters with my husband’s ex-wife. There wasn’t a lot of time left over for just the two of us.
Like most blended families, we were thrown into the “instant” situation from the day the vows were exchanged.
Insta-family.
Insta-responsibility.
Insta-expenses.
So ARE stepmoms just counting down the days till their stepkids graduate from high school?
Here are three reasons why that might be the case:
1. In a blended family, there is generally less time and money to experience what a “traditional couple” might experience in their first year as a newlywed couple.
No time for sipping drinks on the beach. Heck, there’s no money for sipping drinks on the beach.
This insta-family business is a serious one and more often than not, couples in a blended family move from the wedding directly into organizing school carpools, extra-curricular activities, helping with homework, and bedtime routines.
And the expenses! Child custody payments, school expenses, extra-curricular fees, clothes, braces, medical bills… The list goes on and on.
Blended families are all-too familiar with the lopsided dance around the bank account and it can be tempting to dream of the days of financial freedom ahead.
2. Difficult blended family relationship dynamics.
Relationships can be tense if the stepkids do not respond well to the new parent figure in the home. It requires so much time and energy to manage and navigate the relationship between the step-parent and step-child, especially if there is hurt and rejection.
Next, I would be living in la-la land if I didn’t address the whole “annoying stepkid habits” thing. We all know that there are things that just really get under our skin. Granted, we stepmoms probably annoy our stepkids, too! But the fact that we haven’t raised these children from birth often means there are just some things/habits/behaviors that aren’t going away anytime soon.
Things are only made more difficult when a husband and wife are not in agreement as to how to raise the kids in the home. Unmet expectations and parenting differences can quickly drive a wedge in the marriage.
And let’s not forget co-parenting with the ex: the biological mother.
Blended family relationships can get complicated, if not hairy, to say the least!
3. Logistical challenges that are so unique to the blended family.
Blended families aren’t just their own isolated planet revolving its own sun. Where there is a blended family, there are many suns to revolve around.
There are bio moms and co-parenting challenges, home transitions, complicated schedules, court dates and parent-teacher conferences. There are new household routines and people to figure out how to cook for. (And there are kids who hate anything you prepare!)
And all.the.driving.
All of this can seem overwhelming.
I’m not trying to paint a dismal picture of blended family life. There are many, many amazing aspects to it – moments of sweetness, fun and redemption.
But the emotions that a step-parent experiences are probably most closely related to a wild ride on a roller coaster. You are being thrown back and forth, up and down, side to side. Your body is being thrust into times of highs…and times of lows.
Blended family life is not for the faint of heart.
Before you know it, you’ve gone from butterflies in the stomach and late-night phone calls talking about how amazing it will be to combine households…into a mire of logistical madness and a sea of emotions threatening to pull you down into the crashing waves.
So wouldn’t the logical thing then be to get out a big, economy sized calendar and an equal-sized Sharpie marker and begin boldly crossing out each day from now until high school graduation?
Is graduation the equivalency of the slow, smooth arrival into the exit of that wild roller coaster ride?
I will admit: In the thick of the blended family madness, the thought of yearning toward high school graduation sometimes crossed my mind.
Thoughts of imagining when it would just be my husband, me and our 3 “ours” children at home, at times, have threatened to weasel their way in.
Easier. Simpler. Cheaper.
But, I have had to stop myself. I mean, I have literally stopped my mind in its tracks like a squealing set of brakes.
I have made the conscious choice to not allow my mind to go there.
Why?
Well, first, because I love my stepkids.
I believe they are a part of me and I’m a part of them. They are my family. Yes, I have stormed away from the table in frustration when I’m feeling completely invalidated. Yes, I have been so angry I’m seeing double. But even in those moments, I still have a choice:
The choice is that I have made my mind up to ask God to bring me comfort, peace and direction into my situation.
Even when I don’t have the energy or ability to love my stepkids from an emotional place, I can make the choice to obey God and love them from a logical place by taking care of them; being kind to them; and asking God to fill me with love for them.
I have a choice to smile, to do a random act of kindness, and to turn a difficult situation into a fun one by keeping my own attitude in check.
And secondly, because God didn’t create us to wish each day away.
This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
Yes, rejoice in each day.
How is that possible when we feel we are barely hanging on? How about when we are constantly being disrespected and feeling taken for granted?
Well, just like everything in life, rejoicing is a choice we make. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it IS within our God-given ability to choose.
It means that we choose to focus on gratitude. It means focusing on what God has given us with the gift of His love, as demonstrated on the cross with His son.
In fact, if we believe that each day is a gift from God, then why would we wish them away?
Wish away today’s lesson? Wish away today’s blessings?
Even if the blessings are not coming from our husbands or stepchildren in the form of “Thank you!” or “Wow, you do so much for the family!” God still desires to bless us by showing us His love in little (and sometimes big) daily things.
Those little blessings can come in the form of a child acknowledging us as an important person in their life with a card or a hug, a friend telling us we’re doing a good job, or watching our “ours baby” light up when his big brother or sister walks in the room.
Are we looking for those moments or just wishing them away?
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thesalonians 5:8
God’s plan for our life comes with purpose and precision, even in our chaotic blended family mess.
Though we may feel time is always lacking, time is no setback for God.
Though we may feel money is always lacking, money is no setback for God.
Maybe you didn’t get a honeymoon or haven’t been able to afford a family vacation to Disneyland like your “traditional couple” friends. But who knows what amazing opportunity God has in store for you eventually?
Maybe finances have been tough. But would you have noticed God providing for you each and every month if things hadn’t been tight?
I know from experience that in the darkest, most hopeless points in our blended family life, those are the times I have called out to Jesus, raw and unfiltered.
And He has always shown up.
He has given me exactly what I needed. He has given me a scripture, a podcast, a friend’s wisdom, an idea, encouragement. Those blessings not only sustained me for that isolated problem, they have given me hope for each day forward.
I have been the direct recipient of Christ’s love when I’ve needed it most. I have felt the reality of the blood that He shed on the cross for my sins and the sins committed against me.
And truthfully?
I very likely would not have experienced the depth of that love if I had stubbornly wished away each day of our blended family life, just sitting around angrily waiting till my stepkids graduated and were out of the house.
In essence, if we are not thankful for the lessons we are learning in humility, it doesn’t matter how much or how little time we have in our challenging circumstances. We’ll be too proud to see the blessings, the personal growth.
We’ll miss the tender, loving and fun moments.
At this point, I have thrown two high school graduation parties; I have sat in the audience for two high school graduation ceremonies; and I have walked alongside two stepkids as they have written college application essays and were accepted into college.
Yes, there have been days that seemed dark — even hopeless.
But I am thankful for our time together, for a chance to invest in a relationship with them. I haven’t been perfect; I have made my fair share of mistakes.
Yet, I’m grateful for a patient heavenly Father who has given me the strength to apologize when needed and forgive when needed.
If you feel God is asking you to surrender your blended family frustrations over to Him, listen to His voice. He will bless you with new hope and new chances. Most importantly, He will provide you the strength that you need to get through each day.
Choosing to celebrate each day that God has given us as a blended family DOES NOT mean that there are never hurt feelings, arguments or financial troubles.
Choosing to give thanks in our present circumstances DOES MEAN that God can finally begin to mold our hearts, deepening our love for our family and deepening our understanding of Christ’s love for us.
And He will…before high school graduation and beyond.
Continue reading “When the Stepmom Life Doesn’t Look Like You Expected: Avoiding the Comparison Trap”
