There I sat, again. I had stormed out of the dining room when the table conversation turned sour. Now I was back on the edge of my bed, head in hands.
Am I going crazy?
Am I the only one who uses any logic or consistency around here?
I don’t deserve this disrespect!
Throughout the years as a stepmom, my emotions have been too confusing to put into words more times than I can count.
But, if being a stepmom has taught me anything, it’s that I usually don’t have as much control over our life as I’d like. Quite frankly, sometimes it feels like there’s no control at all!
Moreover, it has taught me that in the thick of the matter or in the moment of stress, I often haven’t known where to start to make sense of how I’m feeling.
Big emphasis on often.
Prior to becoming a stepmom, I was pretty adept at recognizing where my emotions were coming from. So how did becoming a stepmom change that?
Suddenly I wasn’t sure of how and why I felt the way I did. When things didn’t feel right or fair, who was at fault? My husband? My stepkids? Me?
I started realizing that being a stepmom can so often meaning feeling lost in a sea of confusion and anxiety. It often leaves us not knowing whether to be mad or sad; and whether to try harder or just give up.
As stepmoms, it’s common for confusing and anxious emotions to arise.
But why is it so complicated?
Blended families are formed out of an unnatural family situation, one that is most often founded on a painful past of divorce or death.
The emotions that come with a blended family are unpredictable and sometimes irrational. That’s where that feeling of a lack of control can seep in.
Then without the ties of blood and history, we are often expected to be “Supermom” and somehow take care of everything.
Stepmoms are always supposed to know the right time to say or do something. And they’re supposed to know the right time to NOT say or do something.
Heaven forbid we start acting like a real mom!
It can leave us wondering who is really in charge, what kind of authority we have in our own home, and if our feelings even matter.
But living in that kind of agony and anxiety is not what God desires for our lives.
He desires for us to experience His peace. And the good news is: That IS something we can take control over.
How to Find Peace in a Blended Family Storm
Peace can be possible, even if it’s just an inner peace with a storm raging around us.
To be perfectly blunt, sometimes being a stepmom means being around a lot of unlovable people!
But get this: Not only is peace possible, seeking peace is actually required of us as Christians.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18
Quite frankly, this hits home a little. This verse means now I have to be accountable for MY responses, MY attitudes and MY choice to love. No more blaming and refusing to take ownership over my part.
It means that as stepmoms, we need to CHOOSE to make a peaceful environment, even when the waves of the storm are crashing on the rocks all around us.
Being a stepmom, just like being a Christian, means dying to SELF. When we die to ourselves, it means Christ can be glorified in our lives and in our homes.
So how does that look on a daily basis?
It means, if stepmoms desire peace and goodness at home, we need to:
1. Show love to an unlovable stepchild when he/she enters our home.
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
Romans 14:19
Make every effort? That sounds like a lot of work. What about the other people in my family who aren’t making any effort?
You can only control yourself.
Pray for your family; pray for hearts to be softened to the truth. But set an example of what peace should look like in your home.
Practically speaking, that means acknowledging the existence and value of our stepkids.
It means:
1. Warmly welcoming them into our home, even if they are resistant.
2. Taking time to get to know them and building a relationship.
3. NOT being critical and NOT acting like our stepchildren are invading our space.
Remember: Make EVERY effort to do what leads to peace?
It’s hard; I get it. Especially if they are rejecting you. But don’t trust your emotions. Remember that Jesus understands rejection more than anyone else.
Obey first; your heart will follow. God is more concerned about the condition of your heart, anyway. Your obedience WILL be blessed.
Don’t believe me? Just look at James 3:8. “Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”
2. Give grace when your stepchildren make a mistake, disobey or show rudeness.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
1 Peter 3:9
Don’t get me wrong: Giving grace doesn’t mean allowing bad behavior. Quite the opposite.
Giving grace means confronting the behavior in a clear, effective way, while confirming that you still love the child (and even like the child!).
For all parents, regardless of bio or step, if you want to raise a healthy, confident child who respects authority, the child MUST understand proper boundaries and rules of respect. But beyond that, you must make it clear that you believe in the child and want him/her to succeed.
Giving grace also means holding your tongue when you want to lash out, even when you have good reason to.
“DON’T RESPOND TO ABSURDITY.”
Trust me, I know what it’s like to let my emotions take over a situation and render me completely useless.
More often than I would like to admit, over the years I have often gotten personally invested in so many of my stepson’s comments, accusations and negotiation attempts.
What would start out as a mild disagreement would quickly lead to hurt feelings and arguing.
Feeling misunderstood, disrespected, or just annoyed that I was dealing with a selfish, arrogant teenager would ignite a flame in me.
My blood pressure would rise and I would find all sorts of things to argue back to prove my point.
Only, it wasn’t doing anything but escalate things.
So one day I made a mantra for myself which I have used many times over the teenage stepson years:
“Don’t respond to absurdity.”
By refusing to take the bait on the rude comments or ridiculous ideas my stepson was claiming, I actually helped to bring peace into our home.
And that was huge for all of us! It was incredibly freeing for me to not feel the burden to set him straight in that moment, or give him a lecture from Respect 101.
How did it work?
When things started going in a direction I wasn’t comfortable with, I would let him know that I would continue the conversation if he could show respect.
If he could not do that, or would refused to stop pestering, begging, negotiating, etc., I’d simply state my piece (and if needed, outline an appropriate consequence if the issue was not resolved), all without emotion and walk away.
In doing that, I became less reactive and less impulsive. I became more reliable with my responses.
By controlling myself, I also didn’t have to go back and apologize for losing my temper as much.
My stepson didn’t have my fuel to add to his fire, so he tended to give up his fight easier.
And a fringe benefit of this was that my husband relaxed when I relaxed.
When my husband could sense I was not going to escalate an argument by taking the bait and retaliating, he started dealing with my stepson’s attitude problems quicker. That lead to me feeling more valued in our home than I ever had before.
The peace that came from my self-control was starting to really change our family dynamic.
3. Don’t hold grudges.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Psalm 34:14
I understand the tears of frustration about not being validated, not being heard, and not being respected.
Maybe you’re being pulled down into a confusing spiral of loving your husband but hating how it feels to be misunderstood and misrepresented in your own home.
I see your struggle, dear Stepmama. But God sees it even more. Take some time to breathe. Talk it through with God and let Him organize your jumbled-up thoughts.
Then, extend an olive branch to the one with whom you have tension. Be the bigger person. Make it clear to your spouse or stepchild that you want to be on the same team.
I’m not implying you should take ownership for someone else’s problems, denial or anger.
You can’t fix what you didn’t break.
There are extreme cases where it is actually enabling bad behavior to try to keep the peace, so please seek wise, biblical counsel if you are concerned.
But in a situation where two people of goodwill are butting heads, sometimes that means apologizing first, even when you feel justified in your position.
The truth is, we often miss how we come across.
It’s possible our tone or words were more hurtful than we thought. Remember the part of the verse above: “as far as it depends on YOU, make peace.”
4. Use the Golden Rule on our husbands, stepkids and the ex.
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7:12
Well, there you have it: Not only is it biblical to treat others the way we want to be treated, it’s the only way we can expect there to be hope of peace!
Empathy is your friend here.
- Keep in mind the reason WHY the person is treating you poorly.
- Recognize the hurt or the misunderstanding behind their actions.
- Look at the sin and their own need for a Savior.
- Ask God to show you love for the unlovable.
You may never fully understand all the reasons for their behaviors, and chances are, a lot of it doesn’t even have to do with you! But the good news is, God isn’t expecting you fully understand everything.
What He does expect of you is stated in the “Golden Rule” verse.
Within the confines of establishing healthy boundaries, we should treat the people in our life the way we would want to be treated.
I promise God will show you ways to have empathy and to love difficult people if you ask and listen. It’s sometimes hard to believe this, but God loves those unlovable people in your life just as much as He loves you!
5. Don’t worry about praying the right way or the right things.
Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him (Jesus), because he always lives to intercede for them.
Hebrews 7:25
This is one of the incredible things I’ve experienced about God on my stepmom journey. God has shown me that I can come before Him with absolutely no idea what I even want to pray for.
I don’t need to know all the right words to say. I don’t even need to know what I’m feeling or what I want.
When we are tangled up in emotions that are bringing us confusion and a lack of peace, God doesn’t expect us to have all our thoughts organized and pretty.
He just asks that we come to Him just as we are: broken, confused and frustrated.
Yet, even when we are confused, God can begin a good work in our hearts and in the dynamics of our family.
This verse shows us that we can say something like:
“God, I’m so confused/angry/sad/etc.
I don’t even know where to start or how to ask you to fix this.
But I know you love me and so I’m surrendering my right over all of my emotions and feelings to you right here at the foot of the cross.
Please give rest to my soul, and bring peace to my heart and home.
Protect me and shield me from things that are out of my control. Guide me with the things that are within my control.
Give me wisdom to know how to love my family the way you have called me to.
I don’t understand it now, but thank you that you have a purpose for my pain and that you want to bring your peace.
Today, I urge you to seek Him first. And obey His voice. Before you react, vent, whatever: Seek Him and then seek godly counsel.
Experiencing real peace is possible!
