“I’m just so lonely,” one mom lamented. “My old friends don’t have kids and don’t understand my mom life. My one mom friend just went back to work. It just seems like there is no one who has time for friendship.“
“I’m not cut out for finding friends; I’m too introverted, ” said another. “If someone wants to be my friend, she has to really pursue me!”
Whether you are a first time mom with a baby at home or a working mom of older kids; a shy person or an outgoing person, it can be hard to find meaningful friendships during the child-raising years.
In our world of technology, it can be tempting to allow online groups take the place of a real face-to-face friendship or social media giving us the false sense of “being in the loop.”
But while those can certainly offer solace and encouragement, they can’t deliver you a meal when you’ve had a baby or give you a hug when your toddler has just had an epic tantrum at Target.
With limited adult interaction throughout the day, the isolation for stay-at-home moms can be suffocating. And for moms who have older kids, it might be easier to get out of the house, but just as lonesome. Finding one friend (or several) can be the difference between a being happy mom or being a depressed mom.
Why?
In the early phase of motherhood – when you are doing so much giving, making, wiping and washing of the little humans in your life – having a friend brings you back to the adult world of conversation.
As your kids get older, that friend is there to do play dates and chat about life. She walks you through attitude issues with you kids (or stepkids) and listens as you share about an issue in your marriage. She relates to you and encourages you.
No matter how much you love your children or may be content being at home, there comes a time when women need other women to do life with.
A friend is someone who cares about the whole you.
So how do we get that?
1. Get past your insecurities…you’re not the only one who has them.
If so many moms need a friend, why does it seem like finding mom friends is more awkward than fitting in the middle school cafeteria?
The insecurities that a mom faces are sometimes worse than the things that make us anxious in middle school:
Not only do we moms feel that people are judging us, we assume they are judging
- Our children
- Our husband
- Our social status
- Our house-keeping skills
- Our parenting skills
- Our greasy hair or lack of being all put together
- And our dinged up, trash-pit of a mini van (oh, wait…I may just be referring to mine…)
Well, at least we think we are being judged for those things.
But the fact is, when we let our insecurities win, we will NOT be an available friend.
An insecure mom will NOT:
- Invite others over to her house unless it looks perfectly cleaned and decorated.
- Go up to a new mom and introduce herself or strike up a conversation for fear of the unknown, or for fear of being judged.
- Think that other moms could possibly want to spend time with her.
The fear of rejection paralyzes the insecure mom; thus she doesn’t bother to make the first move, or any move at all.
But, news flash: Every mom has her own insecurities…even the perfect-looking ones. It’s the confident ones who don’t let those insecurities define her value and stop her from being a friend.
2. Be confident in Christ.
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:35-36
Confidence is a beautiful thing if it is grounded in humility and grace.
A confident mom knows she is a beloved daughter of God, who can love others even when she doesn’t have it all together.
A confident mom is someone who silences the voice of doubt and decides to make the first move, even if it comes with the risk of rejection.
Being confident in Christ means genuinely smiling at someone, regardless of whether she looks perfect and has perfectly-behaved kids, or she has reckless kids and looks like she’s had a rough day, or any combination of those!
It’s not about knowing the perfect moment to say the perfect thing. It’s not about “not being awkward.” It’s about opening our hearts and responding to the nudge God gives when there is someone to be kind to.
Regardless of your personality type, your social status, or your stage in motherhood, you are a worthy friend with a lot of kindness to offer.
Confidence in Christ means our insecurities don’t define us or determine our value.
3. Take a risk.
I met Kelly on the playground after preschool.
Along with us, she and her kids were usually the last to leave the playground on those warm fall afternoons. Our kids seemed to get along great and they began to anticipate playing together. So it seemed appropriate to me to strike up conversation with their mother.
But it didn’t appear Kelly felt the same way.
She tended to avoid eye contact and sort of answered my questions in a non-committal manner. I was perplexed by her standoffish demeanor; yet, as I observed her with her children, I saw a very loving, nurturing mother. I found her intriguing, but didn’t want to irritate her. After waiting a few minutes, I’d try casting a line with another comment or question.
Eventually she would take a bite and begin to engage in conversation.
This happened more days than I can count until it was clear that our fate as friends had finally been sealed. From that point on, there was no awkwardness and things were finally moving ahead. We later joked about it and she confessed that she was glad that I “forced” her to be friends.
Basically, I made a dear and trusted friend because I risked looking like an idiot.
I realize that, as an extroverted person, this sort of thing may come more naturally to me than a super introverted person. But, I am not a robot: I am susceptible to feelings of rejection just like the next person!
In many ways, I have had to learn the art of how to start conversation with new people, too, because in our nine years of marriage, we have lived in three different cities. And before that I had lived by myself in Europe for graduate school. Each time I have moved, I have had to make a conscious effort to proactively seek out friendships. I refused to be lonely.
But it hasn’t always felt fun or easy. Taking a risk doesn’t necessarily feel good at first.
In my quest for finding friendships, there have been times when a bond has fizzled out. Other times, there have been attempts that have started slow but developed into a rich friendship (like with Kelly). That’s just life.
Many friends are in our lives for a season, for us to bless and be blessed by. Other friendships need to be nurtured so they grow deeper. In the end, when you find a friendship that sticks, it’s clear the risk was worth it.
4. Look beyond the surface.
It is fun to have a friend who is in the trenches of motherhood alongside you. But what about an older mom who has been through it and survived? That can be priceless encouragement. She may be a decade or two older, but makes an amazing friend.
Friends can come from places, backgrounds, mindsets and political opinions that are completely different than yours. She might be wearing a head scarf or be covered in tattoos, but she loves her children just like you love yours.
And when you are with her, you experience acceptance and rejuvenation.
5. Quit waiting: Now is the perfect time!
The bottom line is: You have to put yourself out there. You have to be a friend to make a friend.
First, pray. God knows the longings of our hearts for a friend. He created us for a need for relationships, so ask Him to provide that special friend or group of friends that will build you up and give you life.
Then take action in faith. Put yourself out there, even if the time doesn’t feel right. Get out of the house, look for places to meet other moms and look around for people to serve and bless.
Make conversation! Look around you and make eye contact with others and smile. Put your phone down and chat with a mom in the waiting area at dance, preschool or the doctor’s office.
Whether you are outgoing or shy doesn’t matter. God made you YOU for a reason, but He didn’t stop there. He will open doors for friendships …then you choose how to respond.
How you do it is up to you – but you do have to do something!
The good news is: When you do experience that kind of friendship, you’ll never know how you lived without it!
6. Don’t take your friendships for granted…they might not always be there.
You’ve just put in so much time and effort to make a friend. Here’s how to keep those new friends you have just made:
Be an attentive listener
It’s so fun to talk with someone who cares and can relate to your daily joys and struggles. But just be sure it’s an A-B conversation. If you are listening only long enough so you can jump in and say what you want to say, you’re not really listening.
Try slowing down. It’s tempting to want to share everything you’ve been dealing with…potty training, cranky preteens, blended family drama, your new diet or business venture…all at once! But remember to ask relevant questions, too. Really hear her and engage with what she is saying.
Be available
Consistency is key. Don’t disappear off the face of the earth and then reappear thinking your friend will be unphased by unpredictable behavior. If you say you will be coming over for a play date the following morning, if at all possible, make it to that play date; there was probably lots of cleaning done to prepare for your visit!
Life can certainly get crazy, but if you want to protect your friendships, make a point to reach out to your friend every once in a while. Try rescheduling instead of canceling an arrangement.
Show gratitude
Gratitude goes a long way in building friendships because when we like how someone makes us feel, we want to be around them more.
“Thanks for thinking of me” or “thanks for the invitation” go a long way. Even if you have to miss a play date due to a sick kid, or can’t attend an event due to a conflict, showing gratitude will help you get an invitation back the next time.
If someone brings you a meal or gives you a gift, thank them in person AND then send a text or a card later reiterating how thoughtful their gesture was.
Women love to feel like they are helping other women out. When you thank her, you’re letting her know that you saw her go the extra mile for you. Showing gratitude ensures she knows you get it.
Time to take action!
Take a deep breath, pray for a good friend and take a step of faith. Show your confidence in Christ and smile at a new mom. Ask her a question or two about her life. You might have a lot more in common with her than you thought.
Be the kind of friend that you want to find…regardless of your personality type. You’ll be glad you did!
