It used to be so much easier: If you played with someone on the playground at school, you were instantly best friends.
There was no planning required, no awkwardness or wondering if you were acting too pushy. It was just pure friendship-pleasure; the kind that comes from getting lost in the bliss of laughter and the freedom of being yourself.
Later there were the workplace friendships. No one had to check a calendar or play phone tag to make plans to go out. You just coordinated after your shift or at your cubicle on a Friday after work, and headed out together without a thought.
But now you’re a mom or stepmom in the child-raising stage.
And with that, the hours for finding time for friends just dramatically decreased.
You know how it goes – if you have a new baby, your life revolves around diapers, laundry, and figuring out how to get the house cleaned or dinner started during that precious naptime.
If you have older kids, you are juggling activities, homework (or home-schooling for some), chaperoning and volunteering. Maybe you work outside the home and have even less hours in your day at home to work around.
And there is the matter of trying to schedule things with a friend whose life is equally busy and complicated.
Sometimes it’s just too hard. Sometimes you’re just too tired. Even if there was time, there often isn’t any energy or brain space left at the end of the day for scheduling time with old friends.
And what about taking time to make new friends? Forget it.
But suddenly you realize that you are lonely.
You see the pictures on social media showing some of your old friends out for dinner, having a great time without you. It hurts to be left out. You ask yourself who you would call if you were sick and needed help with your kids. Or just needed a friend to chat with over coffee.
Finding valuable friendships is never easy and will require time and effort. Anything of value takes time and effort.
But having a community of moms friends, or even just one friend, in your life can make a world of difference. Even if you have convinced yourself you don’t really need to be around other people, knowing someone truly cares will add richness to your life.
So yes, it takes effort, but the payout that friendships will add to your life can be incredible. In fact, God never intended us to go through life alone. He desires for us to experience the blessings of peace and comfort that come from a wise and supportive friend.
As iron sharpens iron, so should one person sharpen another.
Proverbs 27:17
How To Make Time For Mom Friends (When life seems too busy)
1. Prioritize your friendships.
It’s true, there isn’t enough time for everyone. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for anyone…ever.
We all prioritize what we value, whether that includes binge-watching a Netflix series or baking, deep cleaning the basement or working out. We all have some time, sometimes. There is no excuse for never making time for friends.
But it is true that as moms, we are legitimately busy, and we do have a family and other obligations to consider. There just isn’t time to commit to unhealthy friendships, especially during the young child-raising years.
So, determine which people bring value and goodness to your life.
By focusing primarily on the healthy friendship(s) that bring you joy and encouragement, you benefit from a balance of give AND take. If there is a friendship that is depleting you or adding unnecessary drama to your life, pray for them and release them from their hold over you. You have the right to make room for positive influences in your life.
That said, do not consider it wasted time to make positive investments in the lives of moms who cannot repay you. Blessing others is never a waste of time. In some cases it may require appropriate boundaries to be set, however. So carefully gauge the balance of give and take in those relationships.
Finally, expand your horizons.
Consider someone you really care about but don’t see often enough. Or think about that person you chatted with a few times and had wanted to get to know better.
Take the plunge and invite her and her kids to meet up at a common location or have them over for a play date. You never know who started off as a friendly acquaintance has the potential of growing into a close friend.
2. Make a point to schedule time with friends, even when it isn’t convenient!
I know of two moms who have made a point of meeting regularly, rain or shine.
The two of them meet every Tuesday morning for coffee, conversation and encouragement. That kind of predictability has given them both something to look forward to each week.
Finding ways to include those people into things you enjoy can be a great way to balance friendships and mom life. Take a walk together, meet at the gym, or have a picnic at the park together with your kids. If it’s someone you care about but don’t see enough of, make it a point to find a regular time to schedule in lunch or a play date.
Let your friends know your door is always open and there’s a hot cup of coffee waiting for them whenever they need it. Who cares if your house isn’t perfect! Plus, having company over is a great motivator to clean!
When we practice this kind of gracious hospitality, we are honoring God. We are showing others love by opening up our home.
And what a positive message that is for our children to see!
We are sending a message to our children that we value people more than a perfect house or our convenience.
Recently, I have a friend who spontaneously invited me to bring the kids over on a cold, winter morning. “My house is a mess, but it’s warm!” she stated, enthusiastically. I was blown away by how freely she could extend hospitality with no advance warning.
Her invitation alone was enough to begin to warm up that cold morning, and you can guarantee I didn’t even pay attention to her house! I was more interested in catching up with her and enjoying letting our kids play.
3. Resist the temptation to isolate yourself
In our Western culture, unlike in cultures where people are much more reliant on each other for survival, we have an abundance of space and resources. Because of that, it can sometimes be too easy to isolate ourselves.
We can become fully dependent on ourselves, our husbands, and our electronics and media outlets to meet our need for community, all within the comfort of our four walls.
Therefore, it can seem so much safer and easier to rely on friendships formed in mommy forums or online support groups. It is true that those friendships might be able to offer occasional advice and solidarity.
But if those mediums are used as a replacement to face-to-face connections, we will still experience loneliness.
Living in isolation can mean that a mom struggling with the baby blues or postpartum depression believes that she should feel shame or embarrassment about what she is experiencing.
Likewise, isolation can lead stepmoms to feel like they are the only ones dealing with troubling situations and slip into a constant state of anxiety.
Neither scenarios could be farther from the truth. But if we fail to step out of our isolation, we stay trapped in discomfort. It’s impossible for others to know how much we are hurting and needing help…or even just an ear to talk to.
On the contrary, when we step out and ask for help, we can experience an incredibly deep sense of love and value that comes from letting others bless us when we need it most.
Rachelle was one of those moms.
After contemplating taking a risk at joining our community mom’s group, she decided to try it out. Her friends from the past hadn’t lasted through the college party years and she was ready to find some other moms in the same phase of life as her.
She was skeptical at first, keeping to herself and not saying much. But over time, she started opening up. Two years later, after consistently showing up to the group, she found out her mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.
She now says that having the support of the women in the weekly mom’s group was invaluable in surviving the roller coaster of emotions she was on during that difficult time in her life.
Not only did her friendships deepen, Rachelle was encouraged to start going to church and eventually gave her life to the Lord, which changed her whole perspective about life and suffering.
4. Open up…just a little…and become vulnerable
Sophia Dembling, author and contributor for Psychology Today, states that “real friendship requires real intimacy, and real intimacy requires vulnerability. It requires opening up maybe a little more than you feel comfortable.”
By opening up to those we trust, we can be blessed by receiving reinforcement on what we are doing well, or a fresh perspective to try something new. Our vulnerability can break down the barriers convincing us we are alone in what we are facing.
When we allow access to our private thoughts, we connect. It’s like the sign to the storefront of our heart says “OPEN,” and the friendship is finally open for business. Small talk and friendly chit-chat is fun, but it will run its course.
Seem too scary?
It can be. We do run the risk of being judged when we “bare it all.” We risk showing the weaknesses and the cracks of our character that we have tried so hard to cover up and perfect.
I had always been a fairly open person. But when I entered into the stepmom world, I realized early on that I had some emotions that I didn’t know were lurking beneath the surface. So, to avoid seeming like an evil stepmom to my other mom friends, I often withheld sharing those things. Or I kept the topics to more benign issues that every mom might face.
However, as I began to open up to those whom I trusted, I realized just how much wisdom I could glean, and how much validation I could feel, by having friends offer their perspective. By opening up and sharing the more raw aspects of my stepmom life, I have without a doubt become a better stepmom.
When we assume we will be judged by allowing others access into our private thoughts, WE are being judgmental.
We convince ourselves we know exactly what the other person will do or say and frankly, we don’t want to hear it. Not yet, anyway.
But keeping it all hidden doesn’t lead to healing or bonding or thriving.
The secrets keep the junk piled just high enough that it stands before us like a barrier, holding us back from really living and experiencing freedom.
The irony is when we do open up, we see that our differences aren’t as far apart as we thought.
When we have a friend whom we trust with our deepest insecurities and fears, that’s when we can really find the strength to grow into a better version of ourselves. It’s finally when a real potential for friendship begins.
The Value in Mom Friends
It can be easy for friendships to get put on the back burner during the mom years. Or it can seem easier to push away the desire for relationships and draw into ourselves and our comfort zones.
It can also be tempting to just put on a happy face and convince ourselves we can’t become too transparent or we will be judged. We believe the lies that we tell ourselves that:
My children will never be as well behaved as hers.
I’ll never be as patient as her.
My house will never be as clean as hers.
Our marriage will never be as loving as theirs.
Etc.
When we step outside our comfort zone and allow another woman in, however, the possibilities are endless:
Communities become stronger when women are empowered to be better moms and wives.
So take a minute: Scroll through your list of friends on your phone and challenge yourself to reach out to one of them today. You’ll never know what might happen until you try!
