“So, is life easier without me at home anymore?”
These were the words my stepson asked my husband this weekend, his first weekend back home to visit from his freshman year in college.
If you’ve read anything I’ve written about my stepson, you’ll know that things weren’t easy with him.
Even though my stepkids lived with us the majority of the time since they were 10 and 13, and their bio mom was only on the sidelines of their life, I always felt my stepson resented my presence and my role in his life.
I knew he blamed me…
It was my fault his parents would never get back together.
It was my fault he had to be responsible for some chores and reading and doing schoolwork at an acceptable level.
It was my fault he couldn’t have nicer shoes or certain brands because we had “ours” babies and a budget for a 7-person family.
It was my fault he had to wear a winter coat in the winter, say he was sorry when he was out of line, put his dirty dishes away, or deal with younger siblings.
I understood his resentment. I didn’t excuse disrespect, but I knew there was a reason he was blaming me.
It was his pain.
Today he came around the room, hugging us all goodbye, including my parents who were also in town visiting for the weekend.
His goodbye was heartfelt. Our time with him over the weekend had been sweet. He was pleasant, he was friendly and engaging.
His younger siblings, especially his sister, had cherished their time with him. It wasn’t always that way.
Over the years, even with a 10-year age difference, he and my daughter had often seemed to have the most strained relationship in the family. She annoyed him; she bossed him around, or she was too needy and he needed space from her.
But it’s healing…the relationship between the two of them.
They’re both growing up. And my relationship with him is healing. He is valuing his family and is cherishing people instead of seeing everyone as an inconvenience in his life.
This goodbye stuff isn’t fun. But in the past, it would have been a chance to exhale and know that peace in the home would follow.
I always wanted my stepkids in my life, but the breaks when they left were a chance for me to recharge my tolerance and patience “battery.”
As my stepson said his final goodbye this afternoon, my husband and I followed him outside. He got into his car and closed the door. Then we stood there, choked up. I surprised myself by wiping a couple tears away. My husband squeezed his eyes closed to stop them from welling up and turned his head away.
One final wave and he was gone.
Later my husband told me what my stepson had asked him: He asked if life was easier without him at home now.
Is life easier now? Honestly, I was saddened that my stepson would even feel the need to ask that question.
The relationship we have with him now is the life I’ve been waiting and hoping for; one where my stepson values his whole family, not just his dad and older sister. It’s a relationship where he is kind and pleasant and asks us advice, and we see his amazing qualities shining through all the years of challenges.
Is life easier now without him at home? Well, sure. I suppose life is always “easier” without kids, right? It’s also quieter; it’s cheaper.
It’s easier to not have to wait up till they come home for curfew; it’s easier not to deal with the bio mom for arranging holiday transportation plans, easier to not deal with rule questioning or moods or negotiations.
But sweeter? No. Better? No way.
The sweetness of the personalities God has uniquely put in our family, the sweetness of watching bonds between siblings grow and mature, and the sweetness of us all laughing or talking together? That is a gift from God.
Children are a gift, even when they’re difficult, even when they’re chaotic and ridiculous and messy and demanding.
Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart.
It’s an endless amount of having to invest, trust, and take risks on them when it can seem like a lost cause.
But this stuff…this fun family weekend stuff when we’re all together again…is priceless. It’s worth the investment. It’s worth the sacrifices and endless amounts of problem solving.
With kids, life isn’t easier, but it’s definitely sweeter. And we’ll make sure my stepson always knows that, too.
