Let’s Talk About Respect

I had just sat down to join my family for dinner after cooking and serving everyone,” one stepmom began. “As soon as I sat down, my (future) 7-year old stepson said, ‘but I wanted a drink!’”

This stepmom continued by expressing how livid she was when her fiancé didn’t put a stop to his disrespect. A big fight ensued. And what about the response in the comments on this stepmom support group page?

When it comes to an issue of respect, you better believe that’ll ruffle some feathers!

Indeed, there were a bunch of angry stepmoms coming to her defense! The other stepmoms reassured her that she was not overreacting and was completely justified for being angry.

So who was right in this situation?

Respect is such a heavy part of being a stepparent. It’s so hard to define what is or isn’t respectful in a stepfamily because it seems like everyone has a slightly different interpretation of what respect means.

However, if there’s one thing we stepparents can agree on — it’s that when we feel disrespected in our home, and subsequently unsupported by our partner, that is a terribly lonely, awful place to be.

You know the routine: You are bothered by something and point it out to your stepkids, who then react poorly and show disrespect to you. You defend your position and an argument ensues. Then, instead of Dad stepping in to defend you, he either defends his kids or acts as a referee. Now you feel like he’s choosing their side and treating you like a child! Sound familiar?

Try These 3 Things to Work Around Your Feelings:

1. See things through your partner’s eyes.

Your partner/spouse is likely feeling caught in the middle and responsible for everyone getting along. It’s not that he’s choosing his kids over you; its that he is feeling trapped. If we have any chance of healing and moving forward, we need to seriously ask ourselves the questions: Am I making things worse?

2. Discuss what is and isn’t acceptable behavior or attitudes in your home before the kids come over.

Having a conversation in a non-threatening way before the kids come over can set everyone up for success, even if there no way of totally predicting every scenario to come. There will always be something that catches you off guard, but communicating some of the things that really get under your skin or cause you to feel tense, frustrated, left out, disrespected, etc. before it happens can help you set yourselves up for success.

Communicating in a way that doesn’t accuse, but rather, discusses common goals, can help prepare you both to have your emotional needs met and have a functional system for household expectations in place.

But let’s be honest. As much as we try to prepare ourselves when the kids aren’t there, as soon as the kids arrive, sometimes all logic flies out the window. Dad is just glad to see his kids and doesn’t necessarily want to ruin the limited time together with rules, chores, consequences, or even having to constantly worry about your hurt feelings.

Does that mean he’s a failure or a jerk, your stepkids are rotten, or that you are impatient, intolerant, or a lost-cause stepmom?

No, it means you’re a completely normal stepfamily with normal stuff to work out! And the “working-out” part takes time and grace. In the meantime, your biggest hope (or challenge if you’re anything like me) is to be willing to adjust your expectations and let Dad handle the enforcing — even if it’s not how you would do it.

3. Remove yourself from stressful situations.

If you can’t handle a certain behavior and you’ve asked nicely, or your partner is not defending your position the way you had hoped, take a deep breath and set a personal boundary or walk away. Take it from me: The heat of the moment isn’t a time to convince your partner to have your back!

(Spoiler alert: I’ve tried many times and it’s failed each time. Something about him feeling caught in the middle or something? Didn’t I mention that somewhere already? Oh, yeah. In #1.)

Respect isn’t earned overnight. But the good news is, it’s not a lost cause. It does take time, but eventually with kindness and patience, respect can be earned.

The best way we can start expecting to be respected around the home is that we model it first. That’s right. We have the power to set the tone by how WE act and speak. That means, for example, if we are annoyed by a rude request for a drink at the dinner table, we stop, breathe, and respond politely but clearly: “I just sat down, [stepchild], so go ahead and get yourself a cup of water!”

No annoyance, no eye rolling. Just a polite, direct boundary line.

If it’s smacking food that’s driving you to insanity, model what polite chewing looks like and encourage them with a reward chart or a high five. If it backfires, let Dad handle it and if he doesn’t, wear earplugs to the table!

Pick your battles.

Be willing to adjust and be flexible, and allow Dad to parent even if it’s not how you would do it.

Eventually if you build a relationship you will have a chance to use your voice more but until then, it will feel like you are just criticizing them. In the meantime, you are building a relationship and earning your right to having a voice.

Smile often and give praise whenever your stepkids do something well! Before long, they’ll be looking for other ways to win your praise and attention in the right way!

Are you feeling stuck in the feelings of loneliness and despair that being disrespected in your home can bring? Reach out to me for free 15-minute coaching consultation to see if coaching is the best next step for you. Investing in yourself is investing in the happiness of your home!