I made my husband late for work today.
As I handed him his egg sandwich on his way to get his shoes on, he told me there was a huge spider that ran behind the oven that I might want to kill.
“You have to kill it before you go,” I implored.
“I don’t have time, sorry.”
Then he explained how it had caught the corner of his eye when it moved, and at first he thought it was a mouse.
That did it. We’ve never had a mouse in the house, but the fact that the spider was even comparable to a mouse in any way was enough to illicit dread and panic from me.
So the following conversation ensued:
“You can’t leave me here with a giant spider!”
“I have to go, sorry.”
“You have to kill it!!”
“Fine. I’m going to be late but grab the vacuum cleaner. I’ll pull out the stove and you can suck it up.”
“I don’t want a huge spider living in the vacuum cleaner bag! Here, take my Croc.”
So, my husband saved the day.
He pulled out the oven. He smashed a giant spider. And then he vacuumed up the dust bunnies behind the oven.
Then he grabbed his breakfast sandwich and a picture our son had drawn for him to put in his office and ran out the door with a “love you, too,” trailing after him.
Now it seems silly; even insignificant.
Yes, I could have killed the spider. I might have screamed in the process, but I could have done it. I have done it before.
But my husband doing the dirty work for me out of love, even when it was an inconvenience for him. And because I understood his sacrifice, I felt even more loved when he did it. So I told him how much I appreciated it.
I wish I could say that I have always recognized his efforts.
But truthfully, I haven’t always seen past his shortcomings.
I have been quick to want to change this habit and that annoying trait.
I have been overly sensitive and focused only on my emotional needs being met.
I have questioned his motives for doing this or that, or saying this or that.
And it led to even more nit-pickiness and even more frustration about unmet needs and discontentment on my part.
The ironic thing is, the more I focused on what was wrong with him and how I should fix him into being the man I wanted, the less willing he was to serve me, especially when it was inconvenient for him.
You can imagine the cycle of unhappiness that was bringing to us.
Yet, it wasn’t even always obvious. Even if there wasn’t a big argument, it was in the little comments or the little complaints.
It was in the good things left unseen and unsaid.
As women, who know how hard we work and how much we do for others, it can be hard to remember to seek out the good things in our husbands.
But friends, love is in the little things.
It’s a man who wakes up everyday and goes to work for his family.
It’s a father who gets up to check on a sick child and measures out a dose of cough syrup and says, “you’ll be okay, Buddy.”
It’s a man who runs to the store last minute when you are missing the chili powder for the chili you’re cooking. Or grabs diapers or feminine supplies on the way home from work.
It’s a man who cries when he feels the burden of the weight of the world on his shoulders, or feels trapped in his job but keeps on going to work, anyway.
It’s a grown son who worries when his parents are sick, or a partner who gives you the last piece of cake.
Yes, you do all those things, too. Maybe more.
But it’s not a competition.
Think about how you feel when you are thanked or noticed for the little, mundane things you do on a daily basis — or the big, significant things you do, too?
It feels good, doesn’t it?
It feels good that the people take the time to see our heart; to see our efforts.
And then it makes us even more willing to do more and love more, right?
It’s the same for our spouses/partners.
My husband left for work knowing that he had done a good thing, because I told him. He didn’t ask for praise, but I gave it.
I wanted him to know that his little gesture of killing the spider and subsequently being a few minutes late for work meant a lot to me, especially because he is always punctual. It showed he valued me and that, in my opinion, is a noble trait.
I wanted him to know that I KNOW I am blessed that he is my husband.
I’m not perfect. I still say things that don’t always build him up. And my husband doesn’t always do the thing I want or hope he’ll do. But we are both making an effort to notice each other for the good things.
As a result, that old cycle of nit-picking and unmet needs is a lot harder to fall into. And the friendship and love that’s always been hiding under the surface shines through a lot easier these days.
