I called my mom to let her know just how frustrated I was.
How could my new husband let his kids get away with the things he did? Allowing ice cream before lunch? Leaving dirty dishes out? TV before school? Forgetting to brush teeth in the morning? And bad attitudes and talking back?
Where was the parenting when it came to important things like orderliness, cleanliness, healthy meals and respect?
(That was totally the pre-toddler-mom me talking, by the way.)
On the other end of that phone call, my patient mom encouraged me to let it go. Let it go? And surrender my very valid points? Hardly! I had a right to shape up this new family of mine and do it quick. These were hills I was willing to die on for the sake of good habits being formed, after all.
So how do stepmoms know when to hang on to issues and when to let them go?
Blending looks different for each stepfamily. For our family, blending consisted of a man and his two kids blending with yours truly…and her dog. Yes, I went from being a single late-twenty-something gal to an insta-mom overnight.
As a new wife and mom figure of two children I had not given birth to, I now had a decision to make: I could fight to be right and keep banging my head against the wall, or I could listen to what God said and allow His peace to enter our home.
The bible says in John 10:10 that Jesus wants to give us life and give it abundantly.
I didn’t exactly know how we were going to be able to solve some of our stepfamily issues, but did I know I wanted that abundant life Jesus was promising for my new family.
Some of the issues were deeper and would take years to work through. But many of the issues were boundary issues that we could begin solving right away. We had to agree to take the baby steps we needed in order to bring our family to a place of trust and peace.
What followed has often been a balance been teetering on the brink of crazy and a lot of grace and humility. This is what we did to find a way to grow together instead of grow apart:
Finding Common Ground
1. First things first, we decided to fight for our marriage.
We needed to make a conscious decision to validate each other. Since what I strongly believed in or felt was a wise parenting decision wasn’t always what my husband felt, it was easy for me to feel unappreciated or blown off if he didn’t handle things the way I felt was necessary.
Our vows were a commitment we had made before God, and we both knew we wouldn’t give up easily. Even when it didn’t feel good or easy, he and I chose to fight for our newly formed family: the good, the bad and the ugly.
To do this, we had to kindly and patiently communicate our needs and frustrations with each other.
2. We had to compromise on what we both felt was “the right way.”
Was that easy? Absolutely not. When there is prior baggage, communication is never easy. When there is a history you haven’t been a part of, it feels isolating.
Then pile on some parental guilt on top of that, and at times it can seem that all logic flies out the window!
We needed to acknowledge how the other one was feeling. There were no right or wrong answers here.
Once we got real about our fears, insecurities and frustrations, it helped us to have empathy for the other person. Then we had to decide on a plan of action with the kids we could both feel good about.
And stick with it.
3. We decided to make some revisions to my stepkids’ daily habits.
Since I was primarily running the household, things like general hygiene, screen time, snacks before meals, family contribution to the housework and attitude checks were important for me.
We outlined some standards for the family that we could agree on and then shared them with the kids.
I used this as an opportunity to spend time teaching the kids how to do some basic household chores they could accomplish with a sense of pride. These were not only changes that would benefit the whole family, but they gave me some peace of mind as the newest member of our family.
Oh, and last but not least: My husband began to support my position as a parent in the home and make it clear that I needed to be respected. That helped when it came to following through with our expectations.
4. In turn, I loosened up on some things.
I didn’t want to come across as a drill sergeant stepmom. My intention wasn’t to swoop down and take away everything they liked while they were at our house.
But we did have to implement some guidelines that were in line with our morals and goals for them. However, when it came to less important things that they were used to, I relaxed, like allowing a bedtime snack and extra TV time on the weekends.
I also added a fun bedtime routine into our evenings, which included a reading a story and devotional.
And I created a reward chart for my stepson for remembering to do the things we had talked about.
We also made sure to incorporate family games and budget-friendly activities whenever we could.
5. I had to let go of the non-deal breakers.
It may have been true that a lot of the changes I had been suggesting from the beginning offered some fresh perspectives…but Rome wasn’t built in a day. I had to implement things slowly and respectfully.
And if the issues bothering me weren’t deal breakers, I needed to set them aside until our family was at a place to address them.
To be honest, not taking it personally when my ideas were rejected was perhaps the most difficult part of it.
But I tried to see things through the eyes of my husband and stepkids and remind myself of all the changes they were undergoing.
I needed to remember that this wasn’t easy for them, either.
Do you know what the greatest takeaway from doing this has been?
It has:
Taken the pressure off me to be the perfect stepmom who raises perfect stepchildren.
Allowed me to give grace more freely, which brought a deeper connection between my stepkids and myself.
Helped my husband understand that I am fighting FOR this family, not against it.
and…
Given me the freedom to hand over the reigns to God instead of carrying the burden of fixing everything myself.
That’s all part of living an abundant life, if you ask me.
Hard as it was, I’ve had to relinquish my rights to hold on to all the issues bothering me, big and small. For someone who likes to have control over a situation, admittedly, this has been a challenge over the years!
But when I hand my crazy emotions over to God, He is so faithful to give my mind peace and stop me from barreling through with my own agenda.
And often the things I had been so fixated on slowly lose their importance.
Building a Foundation of Value
Believe me when I say that I wish dealing with snacks and screen time and a little back talk have been the biggest issues we’ve ever dealt with over the years. (Just a hint: It hasn’t been.)
But all those things have been a part of the growing pains of blending together.
Those “annoying little things” early on prepared us to tackle bigger issues down the road. Thus, it was a valid part of our family’s foundation in order for us all to feel valued.
Over the years, I have seen God mold me and be gracious to me when I have put my pride aside.
He has shown me when to address the issues bothering me to my husband and stepkids. He has also caused me to take a look at my stubbornness, give grace, forgive and be able to let things go.
It’s a pretty abundant way of living…and good for the blood pressure, too.
