Does Disciplining Stepkids Work?
“Whatever you do, don’t discipline his kids.”
I looked at her with confusion. “Really?” I wondered aloud. She looked at me with a sly grin. “Just be their friend. Let Dad be the bad guy.”
My friends and I were just finishing my bachelorette party. The remnants of a fancy meal were left between gift bags of silly wedding night gifts and empty wine glasses.
My wedding was only a few days away and soon I would be an stepmom to my two stepkids – a 12-year old girl and a 9-year old boy.
As we got up to leave the restaurant, my friend’s advice repeated in my head.
I understood her heart behind her words, but I had to question: Would this really work in the real world of step-parenting? If I had no authority with the kids, wouldn’t that just make me a glorified babysitter?
It didn’t sit right with me that night, and it didn’t sit right with me when our lives merged on our wedding day and I became a real-life stepmom to my husband’s two kids.
Even though I was not personally bringing children into our marriage, I had a fair amount of experience with kids over the years, from years of babysitting and nannying, to being a summer camp counselor, to teaching music lessons.
I felt I had a pretty decent grip on managing kids’ behavior, so why was step-parenting suddenly supposed to strip me of that adult responsibility?
Was I supposed to sit idly by, while my husband ignored, or even tolerated, disrespect, entitlement, and talking back from his kids?
Did I have a voice? Was I an equal part of the family? What on earth was I even allowed to say or do in my new role as a stepmom?
Why a Stepparent Can Feel Stuck
As the days and months turned into years, there were many thing that I learned.
First of all, when a person becomes a stepparent to someone else’s children, it won’t take him or her long to feel deep resentment if they have the position of housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, homework helper, babysitter, check-writer, etc., but they have no authority — or voice — in their home.
Should the stepparent sit around waiting for dear old mom or dad to get home whip the household and their kids into shape?
(Figuratively, of course!)
Or maybe Mom or Dad are home, but her or she is oblivious to the issues that you feel are worth being addressed from the stepparent perspective. They don’t recognize their kids’ behavior as a problem.
And when you bring your frustrations or concerns up, you’re “the bad guy.”
Secondly, in some cases, a biological parent in the other home might be hindering the authority you might be trying to build with your stepkids because they are uncomfortable with you in a parental role (or your spouse/partner – their child’s other biological parent – in a parental role).
Or third, a stepparent’s hands can get tied very quickly if the stepchild refuses to listen to or respect the stepparent. This can stem from many things, but it might be because of their age, woundedness, confusion, loyalty to their parent in the other home, or simply because there hasn’t been enough time to develop a relationship of trust with their new stepparent.
Regardless of the root cause, no matter what the stepparent does, it seems nothing will ever work. The stepkids will never listen. The stepparent’s spouse/partner doesn’t understand how hard it is to have no voice in their own home. The stepparent becomes a target for all the blame in the home, even when all they want to do is help.
If you are a stepparent who has experienced any of this, chances are, your hands feel like they are tied in your own home. And it’s a lonely place to be.
So What is a Stepparent to Do?
A stepparent without any authority – but with all the parenting duties – can soon grow resentful, bitter, or disengaged. But let’s take a moment to consider the other side of the coin, where a stepmom waltzes in, making demands left and right, changing routines and scolding her stepchildren. Or maybe it’s a drill-sergeant stepdad, who intends to “clean this place up and shape everyone up once in for all.”
Regardless of the stepfamily dynamic, this kind of mindset or communication style usually is not warmly welcomed! In fact, that’s a pretty sure way to destroy the hopes of working toward a healthy relationship with some authority in the child’s life.
So is a stepparent always wrong?
Not at all! In fact, the stepparent probably does see a lot of things that could function better. After all, sometimes it’s easier to have a crystal clear vantage point from the outside looking in. When a parent is emotionally connected to their child, and have been since birth, sometimes they miss things that others see. This does not even take into consideration the burden of parental guilt that often drives desire to be easier on the child.
So what is a stepparent to do? Check out? Fight back? Disengage?
So some people suggest you back off. Disengage. Ignore the stepkids and let Dad handle it.
I mean they aren’t really your kids, anyway, are they?
While backing off when Dad is home can be a brilliant thing to do, or for a limited time frame to make a point, a disengaging parent can be very confusing to a child.
It’s confusing to a child when a grownup at home is ignoring him. Or when Dad and Stepmom enforce expectations in wildly different ways.
In some cases where the dad is working long hours or travels for work, leaving you to manage step relationships and the household alone, disengaging is almost impossible to do successfully.
This of it this way: Does a school teacher have her rights to basic classroom authority stripped just because the students aren’t her “biological children?”
Just like a teacher needs authority over students in the classroom so the class isn’t overrun with chaos, so a stepmom needs authority over her stepchildren to manage her household.
If she doesn’t have a right to a voice in her home, that can leave the children in the position of making and breaking rules and establishing the tone of the household.
In short, that creates utter chaos.
Dishes and laundry pile up because chores don’t exist.
Homework is forgotten (and video games or devices take over).
Children fight like cats and dogs.
Basic hygiene suffers.
Parents are shelling out money for anything the child’s little heart desires.
Kids dictate everything from meals, snacks, activities, bedtimes, screen-time, and whether bedrooms are cleaned or not.
The endless whining, demanding, complaining threaten to rob you of your sanity!
Sound like a fun, highly-functioning family life where you can’t wait for the stepkids to come visit, right? Not in my book!
And I’m pretty sure no woman would be happy in a situation like that…
It’s not long before the household is overflowing with bitterness, power struggles, hurt feelings and resentment.
Each of our blended family situations is unique, but…while there may not be a “one-size-fits-all” approach, one thing is certain:
In order for traditional and step relationships to be successful, the parents NEED to have loving authority in the home.
Whether you have full custody, 50/50 split custody or maybe just weekends or summer; and whether the kids are little or not so little:
Kids desire to feel secure.
And
Stepmoms need to feel like they have a voice.
First, when the parents have a healthy, loving authority in the home, kids feel secure.
In fact, God has given parents the responsibility of being the authority in the home. So it’s actually in His plan for us as parents to follow his loving example of compassionate, loving authority, regardless of our step-parent status.
The result?
When children learn to respect and honor their parents at home, they are learn to respect others, themselves, the property of others, and most importantly, God.
Secondly, when a stepmom has a voice in her home, she is more secure.
If the stepmom is being asked to contribute to the household as an adult, that means she automatically becomes a parent-figure.
As the “Mom of this house” (as I referred to myself when the situation has required it), I have needed to have the right to have a voice, even if my voice had a different role than my husband’s.
So that’s where a little balancing, self-reflection and humility (and humor is always good, too!) comes in.
The goal is to get to the point where everyone understands the expectations of the household, and can communicate their needs in a healthy way.
After all, if STEPmom ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy!
7 steps for getting healthy authority in your stepchild’s life and building your step relationships… without burning bridges.
The key is:
1. Understand that this takes time!
In fact…memorize this and make it your mantra: Rules without relationship breeds resentment.
Honestly, this was a game changer for me.
When a stepmom (or stepdad, for that matter) enters into the picture, her first priority should be to build a relationship with her new or future stepchildren, NOT start making rules and enforcing them.
You may come in with a laundry list of things that aren’t working in the life of your husband and stepkids. And, chances are, you might be right about a lot of those things!
But, do you want to be right or do you want to build a lasting relationship based on respect?
Stepmoms, I get it. I’ve been there. It can be enough to drive you to insanity!
Even though I entered our marriage with all sort of hopeful desires for my stepkids and myself to function like we had always been a family, I needed to understand that things take time.
Addressing habits and parenting styles my stepkids were used to right off the bat just caused a rift between them and myself. My frustrated husband was often stressed out after being asked to “take sides.”
Later, we gained full custody after our first year of marriage when the kids were 10 and 13, and we moved to another state for my husband’s job. At that point, I was in charge of all motherly things, so I really needed to maintain order in my home.
Yet even then, I still have had to be careful. Expecting my stepkids to listen to me without a relationship would have been nearly impossible for the long-term success of our family.
To illustrate this point, let me share this story.
My uncle married a woman named Jen, who was a self-proclaimed troubled teen.
She ditched class, smoked weed at school, talked back to teachers. In short, she didn’t care about life, and she certainly didn’t care for authority.
Fast forward to today. This aunt of mine works with troubled teens. She said she can relate to them because of one life-changing conversation with her high school principal.
He called her into his office one day after he noticed her coming to school 15 minutes late every day. He said, “Jen, you know how you come to class 15 minutes late or skip class completely?” He paused.
“Will you do something for me? The next time you walk to class, will you take a different route? Will you go around the other side of the building? I want you to go a different way so you don’t see the friends you cut class with. And I want you to show up on time everyday for a week. I will be watching. Will you do that for me?”
That one exchange left an imprint on Jen’s heart. From then on, she took a different route to class to avoid the friends who would pressure her to skip, AND she showed up on time. Why?
Because the man who SAID he was in charge of her used his authority to speak to her heart. He asked her to do something for him that stemmed from trust and respect and care and KINDNESS.
Authority with your stepkids can’t come from you demanding it. It must come from relationship.
2. Get to really know your stepchildren.
Spend TIME with them, finding out who they are and how they tick. Play games, read books, color together, take walks or bike rides, or if they’re older, just chat or let them know you are there if they need you.
Show them through actions that you truly care about them, by making them feel welcome and watching your tone of voice and attitude. Cook their favorite meal, leave them a note on their bed, do an activity they choose.
If they reject it, give them space but make it clear that you care and are there for them when they need you. None of us are perfect, but it’s usually not a direct rejection of us, anyway. Rather the child may be reacting to the confusing circumstances.
3. Think of yourself as a teacher in your stepfamily.
Sure, saying “no” to a child isn’t bad: If there is a dangerous situation or the child needs guidance or a push in the right direction, by all means, say no! “No” is not a bad word at all because it protects us from danger or other bad things.
But YOU ARE a teacher in your home, so lead the child toward the right thing to do. In other words, don’t just focus on the word “no,” but use every opportunity to teach to the child’s heart.
4. Go Easy
If a man allows a woman the honor of being a part of his child’s life by marrying her and asking her to parent his children alongside him, he needs to respect her by giving her authority over his children.
But take it from me, who has been in this boat, myself:
I have gotten too pushy, anxious to FIX EVERYTHING right away.
And as you can guess, I burned bridges in my step relationships.
In fact, in heated arguments, my stepson liked to accuse me of being the only one with the problem. Dad, he argued, didn’t have any problem with his behavior.
While that threatened to defeat our marriage, we slowly and steadily worked toward unity.
It took me a long time to realize I should pray first; think before I speak; and honor my husband through HIS process of parenting.
Likewise, my husband realized he needed to defend and support me more openly. Counseling proved to be a life-saver during this season of our marriage.
That’s when we started to get on the same page.
My husband began to trust my intentions and my support of him. He started standing up for me, and valuing my voice in our home. Finally I started to feel supported as an equal parent in the household.
In short, if you want to help the process of getting your husband to support your authority in the home, AND if you want to avoid having your husband criticize you for being too hard on his kids, go easy.
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Your husband, who likely has all sorts of dad guilt and confusion over his new role as your husband, will allow you to start taking over more of the household management…eventually.
But this will be smoother and quicker if he sees you actively and genuinely working toward building a loving relationship with his kids, NOT just criticizing everyone and wallowing in your own frustrations.
5. Communicate with your spouse about what you expect in your home.
It is so important to have private conversations with your husband about what family rules and behavior standards you both expect in your home BEFORE the kids come over.
Discuss family rules and expectations. Then discuss appropriate consequences for these things that you both can follow through with. If necessary, make compromises so you both feel comfortable with the plan of action.
Then, and very importantly, your husband needs to have a talk with his kids.
He needs to explain to the children that YOU, his wife and their stepmom, will be his voice to enforce household rules and standards when he is not there.
And when he is home? Hint: Stepmoms, try to let your husband act/speak first if you are both home.
If you always jump in to discipline or give orders without giving Dad a chance to handle the situation, you are sending a message to your stepkids in your step relationships that you run the show. This generally backfires in a major way in blended families.
6. Model respect in your step relationships
Regardless of the rules and behavior standards you and your spouse agree that you have as the parents, respect is one of the differences between step- and biological children.
A stepmom doesn’t have a history with the children since birth, so the stepmom still has the responsibility of earning the respect of her stepchildren.
Stepmoms, gently explain to your stepkids that you are now a parent-figure in their life; you are “the mom of this home.”
Make it clear that you love the child. However, make sure it is clear to your stepchildren that while you need them to respect you, it goes both ways. You respect them and want to care for them, too.
In order for a healthy adult-child relationship of respect to be established, adults must model respect to children and treat them with selfless care, regardless of if the child is biological or step.
Remember Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself?”
Guess what? Your stepkid is “your neighbor.” God wants us to love that child the way we love ourselves, and even more so the way He loves us. The good news is, He’s prepared to help us with that!
7. Enjoy the fruits of your labor!
I think we can all agree that nothing in a blended family comes easily. Amen?
But believe me: It can be a lot easier if you are committed to building a relationship with your stepchildren BEFORE you step in and become the rule enforcer.
If your stepkids see you truly making an effort to selflessly invest in their lives, they will be much more likely to allow you to give directions that require obedience.
And let’s talk about some other amazing byproducts of this kind of loving authority in your step relationships!
+ Your stepkids will be a lot more likely to trust you when you tell them something is wrong, dangerous or inappropriate.
+ They will likely listen if you try to give them advice.
+ Likewise, if you need some help, they will be much more likely to offer you a hand if there is an established step relationship in place!
+ Most importantly, they will see that behind your words is a loving person who wants to protect their heart and point them to Jesus.
And when you have to take away screen-time because your stepchild did not complete a chore or a time out because she hit a sibling or rolled her eyes at you, you will have established a healthy authority that the kids understand and respect.
So go ahead — invest in those step relationships!
Show your support and how much you care, EVEN WHEN it’s hard or when it’s not reciprocated.
A healthy adult-authority in the home will instill security in the home, giving the child confidence that the parents are able to take care of the children.
It will also give the stepmom peace of mind to know she has a healthy authority to manage her household.
So was my friend right with the advice about not disciplining my stepkids?
Stepmoms need to tread carefully, lovingly and intentionally. But, should dad be the only one with a voice in the household?
No.
Without any authority in her home, a stepmom will soon feel like the hired help (without the pay)!
Resentment will build and she will slowly lose her desire to be a stepmom.
However, with her husband’s support of her role, and with a healthy investment in a step relationship with her stepkids, a stepmom should most definitely have the authority to manage her household in a structured, loving way!
When chaos is replaced by loving structure and authority, trust me — everyone is happier.
For tips on letting go of stress as a stepmom (and how I dealt with all the stuff of step-motherhood I couldn’t control) , click here!
