You know who you are. You’re the burned out step-parent who has a needy or difficult stepchild.
This stepchild is in your face, in your space; maybe he’s being demanding, maybe she’s being whiny. Maybe he’s your little shadow — constantly needing you or your partner — or maybe she’s a little voice that won’t stop chattering in your ear.
Perhaps it’s a toddler throwing endless temper tantrums. Maybe it’s a teen whose eyes truly might stay lodged up in their head from rolling them so often.
Chances are, this child isn’t listening or cooperating.
For a step-parent dealing with a child who is constantly begging, negotiating, fighting with her siblings or provoking issues, it can seem like just.too.much.
As much as your spouse/partner may want to help, it’s quite possible he/she is at a loss, too. Or maybe you feel your partner is she is enabling the behavior.
Perhaps the stepchild has successfully driven a wedge between you as a couple… Or the biological parent is driving a wedge between you and your stepchild. Sometimes it even feels like that was the intention.
So what’s a step-parent to do?
Burnout is dangerously near and if you don’t have a plan of action, you may be *thisclose* to throwing in the towel. Maybe everyone would be better off with you out of the picture, you think. Or maybe you’d be better off without them…
But there is hope.
First, take a deep breath. You are a valuable person. You are a worthy person.
And your stepchild? They are valuable and worthy, too.
Why?
Because God doesn’t make mistakes.
People make mistakes…and we often get in the way of God’s best for our lives. But nothing we do is outside of God’s reach and grace to fix. I promise. If you don’t believe me, ask God himself. (And be sure to listen to His answer before you interrupt with your own!)
Let’s first take a little look “behind the scenes” into our stepchild’s mind, and then we’ll explore some practical ways to work toward managing the emotional needs of the children in your household.
1. When you are faced with a difficult child, recognize the need behind the behavior.
Your stepchild is needy? Fussy? Annoying? Disobedient?
Ask the question WHY.
It is very likely that there is a need that is not being met:
A fear.
A frustration.
An anxiety that needs to be taken seriously.
An inconsistency between homes or parents that is confusing the child.
Children in blended homes are very often living with mixed messages from all the adults in their lives.
Instead of jumping right into a punishment, try to show empathy and compassion. Remind the child to take a deep breath and that everything is going to be okay. Ask if the child would like a hug. If a child is overwhelmed, he/she will often react poorly.
I’m not implying excusing bad behavior. But instead of staying fixated on the bad behavior, make an effort to see the heart of the child and their struggles that you may not notice at face value.
In fact, sometimes you really can’t fix the problem. You can do your best, but at the end of the day, if your stepchild is going between homes with different expectations, it’s really hard to get into a routine.
Release yourself of the burden to make the child act and behave perfectly. Instead, focus on building a kind and caring relationship with the child and being clear about your household expectations, by saying “In this house, we do ____.”
Maybe the thought of dealing with a difficult child all sounds too overwhelming. After all, it’s so hard to know how to pinpoint all the emotional struggles and know where to begin with the healing process!
But here’s some reassuring news: You can’t possibly meet all those needs, no matter how hard you try. And if you don’t believe me, go ahead and try to meet all the needs and then not get burned out.
Why?
Because only God can meet all our needs. That goes for kids, teens, adults…everyone. That said, you ARE able to play a valuable role in helping to meet the needs of love and security in your stepchild’s life.
We’ll look at the “how” as we continue.
2. Your job as a step-parent isn’t to be a perfect step-parent; it’s to be the step-parent God has called you to be.
Your job isn’t to be a superhuman. You’re not even called to replicate the biological parent. And above all, remember — you’re definitely not supposed to be the ultimate “meeter of every need.”
No. God made that child and He knows them inside and out. He knows their personalities, their insecurities, their hearts. He knows what they need and the right timing to tackle different obstacles.
He also knows YOU and why YOU are the right one for this particular job!
Your job is to seek wisdom as to what that child needs and reflect God’s love and grace. Again, it’s not to be a perfect person. It’s to obey His calling to serve and give and teach and model …even when it seems like a dead end road.
And our job is to pray. Pray for our stepchildren to learn what God wants them to learn and to see what God wants to reveal to them.
Now, how does all of this look played out in real life?
3. In a nutshell – that means showing introspection and humility.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What am I doing or not doing that could be contributing to the problem?
- Am I open to changing a pattern in my own behavior and attitude?
- Am I willing to listen to my spouse/partner if they ask me to consider doing things differently?
- Am I finding ways to love this child who seems so unlovable?
Humility goes a long way in raising kids.
Trust God to work on hearts over time. Know that today’s problem doesn’t define you as a bad parent or your child as a lost cause. There will be good days and bad days; good years and bad years. God is in control and He does have a plan to get you through with grace and love.
4. Be willing to change your strategy.
Find incentives to get the challenging child motivated to engage positively with the family, lend a helping hand or even just get up off the couch and do something active.
Get together with your partner and come up with a game plan with goals, expectations and rewards. Charts work great for younger kids, for example. If the child knows what to expect and how they can have a role in it, that will give the child a sense of control over their world.
Think about what motivates the child, ex. an ice cream date with Dad, family movie night, spending money or a small toy. Have the child work toward those things, and chances are the child will start to develop new patterns before you know it.
So, now let’s get into some practical, age-appropriate tactics.
The Tricky Toddler
I have heard people call their toddler step-child a “brat,” or “spoiled.” In addition to being a stepmom, I’m also a biological mom, and I have raised three toddlers. I am also a licensed Kindermusik instructor who has been trained to deal positively with children.
Toddlers are tricky little people that can make our heads spin. But they are not brats. They are small humans who need lots of grace, understanding and consistent parenting in order to grow into a healthy child.
It may be true that a fussy toddler can threaten our sanity, and it could be true that they are used to getting their way in one household, which can be infuriating, but ask yourself: Why are they fussing?
Often toddlers just needs a cuddle, have a book read to them, or playtime with you on the floor. Or maybe they are overly tired, over-stimulated or overly hungry. Do a physical-needs check before chalking up behavior to being spoiled or disobedient.
Also, make sure the toddler hasn’t had too much screen-time or has been been sitting for too long. Getting up and getting outside for some fresh air can do wonders for a fussy toddler.
Toddlers like predictability. Consistently in mealtimes, naps and bedtimes will help with predictability. And even when you’re tired, do your best to stay consistent with behavior expectations. This is so the child learns that you mean what you say.
That said, toddlers don’t learn proper behavior on their own. If we expect it, we have to teach it.
For example: Instead of saying “No! Don’t do that!” teach the child how you DO want them to behave or communicate. Give them child a phrase to repeat, for example: If they are crying for crackers, say: “May I please have some crackers?” If the child is able, let them repeat your phrase before giving them the crackers.
Giving the child two choices also allows a toddler to exert some control over their environment, ex. “Would you like the red cup or the blue cup? If you can’t decide in 5 seconds, I’ll choose for you.”
If a toddler is still acting out and needs to be disciplined, make sure that it is age appropriate and effective.
Often sitting with a young child in time out is more effective than sending them away, because the child needs to understand that they have not lost your love, even if they have misbehaved.
As always, ask yourself if the form of discipline you are using is working. If not, look for another way to redirect or discipline the child in a loving but firm way.
The Needy Child
What about a child who is needy and who won’t stop following you around? You understand that the child needs your attention, but puh-lease!
Your little shadow is getting in your way, eavesdropping on your conversations and making it impossible to get any privacy! This child might also be picking on his/her siblings and making everyone miserable.
But what is this child’s behavior telling you?
You guessed it – this child has a deep inner need to be seen and heard. The needy child may be craving one-on-one time with his/her biological parent. Even a short walk or drive to the store can be what it takes to fill this child’s cup and remind him that he is special.
A simple OR special activity or “date” could be a great opportunity to dig deeper and ask questions as to why the child is feeling that way.
Above all, the needy child needs you to STOP and sit down. Or turn off the TV or put your phone down.
Yes, you’re busy; yes, it’s important. And yes, you’re tired. But, by taking 10-15 minutes to engage in a conversation, ask questions, or draw or play with the child, that lets the child relax their need to be seen and heard and it fills their cup.
Your investments will pay off and over time you’ll see a child that is less needy and more confident.
But if nothing is working, it is important for a child to learn healthy boundaries. Once you have given the child attention, it’s appropriate to calmly explain to the child that they need to find something to do on their own.
If they insist on being in the same room as you, you may decide they can quietly color, play, read or listen to a book on CD, but they need to allow you to do what you need to do.
Sometimes just the calming presence of a loving adult is all an anxious child needs.
The Uncooperative Child
This is the kid who refuses to cooperate or complains incessantly. Getting the uncooperative child to do anything you ask is a downright chore. The back talking, the negotiating, the whining… It’s maddening at times!
This child is strong-willed; and this child requires parents/caregivers who are willing to stand up to him, but also believe in him.
First and foremost, this child needs to know you care.
Children will push the limits no matter what, but when an adult has established trust and respect in their life, the child will eventually be more willing to obey.
A strong-willed child needs to know that if they push and push (and push some more) you will not buckle and back down. Yet, a strong-willed child needs to know you will listen to their ideas and reasoning if they are being reasonable and respectful.
Get on the same page as your spouse/partner and agree that the expectations are reasonable and age-appropriate. Give the child clear expectations with an attached time frame, as well as a consequence in case they do not complete the task.
Moody Preteens and Teens
How about those teens or preteens whose attitudes are about to be the death of you?
Anyone who has been around a sulky teenager knows that it’s no joking matter. Add in some resistance to the rules, and soon the home can turn into a real-life battlefield.
How do I know this, you ask? Because I’ve lived through it. And I can attest that there is nothing worse than feeling alienated in your own home while living among the dagger-sharp words and looks of a disgruntled teen.
Yet, there is hope even when things feel hopeless.
Often the things that we step-parents take so personally are actually not directed at us. But as a stable parent in their life, we can be an easy target. In fact, how the teen responds could very likely come from a personal insecurity on their own part.
When it comes to expectations, preteens and teens do so much better when the rules or expectations are laid out clearly. Stay consistent with your spouse/partner, and show a united front to your kids. This sometimes seems impossible, and it was definitely a learning curve for my husband and me, but it has paid off.
Hard as it is to believe sometimes, teens and preteens are listening more than we realize. So try to get into the heart of your wayward teen, regardless if he/she seems to hate you. Plant little seeds of love and truth, even if you get ignored or rejected.
You may never know what bit of encouragement sticks and gets your teen or preteen through the day or helps them avoid a dangerous situation.
Believe in the Child
Kids of all ages desperately want to know that the adults in their life believe in them, even if they act like they don’t care. This is especially true since they are confronted with lies about their value from the world all day long.
Offer your stepkids your thoughts about their talents, skills and good qualities. Relate to them by sharing your own struggles or victories. Let them know they aren’t alone.
By being a consistent person whom they can count on for kindness and encouragement – even when it doesn’t feel easy – you’ll have a much better chance of building a healthy relationship.
Ask most grown-up stepchildren, in fact. Most will say they rejected their step-parent when they were a teen, but value their love and place in their life as an adult. Many of them even feel badly that they weren’t able to express their feelings of appreciation for their step-parent when they were younger.
And Finally…
It’s imperative to connect with your spouse/partner.
Discuss your goals and expectations for the family. Get united on dealing with rules and consequences. Remember, you and your partner are a team and need to show a united front to the kids. Take time for each other and don’t neglect the importance of that relationship.
Above all, let God meet YOUR needs. If your need for significance and value comes from Him, you’ll be better equipped to handle the tough stuff that comes your way with grace, forgiveness and a renewed sense of hope.
