I had always possessed a maternal desire and had hoped for a big family. But when the day came to announce my first pregnancy, I wasn’t prepared to have to hide my joy like I was doing something wrong.
Like many stepmoms, I loved my new stepkids, but I longed for a baby of my own. My husband and I were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant with our first “ours” baby within our first year of marriage.
As soon as our initial excitement passed, though, we faced the reality that the pregnancy didn’t just affect us. We had to consider that:
We already had two children
and
They hadn’t asked for a new stepmom or any half-siblings.
My husband and I were unsure of how the kids would react, so we discussed ways to make them feel special when we shared the big news.
We decided that we would take them to a local coffee shop for hot cocoa and a cupcake to give them the news and celebrate.
Only, there was no celebrating that afternoon.
Sitting across the coffee shop table from the kids, my husband had just spoken the words that would make the whole thing finally seem real. He told them we were having a baby.
Well, let’s just say it was a bad reaction.
[Learn from our mistake.]
Oh, if only my husband and I would have waited for a quiet moment to share the news AT HOME…
As it stood, not only were the kids upset about our baby news, they felt betrayed that we had taken them out in public to tell them.
There was no place for them to escape and they definitely wanted to get away from us at that moment.
That was not how we had hoped the afternoon would go.
Sidenote: This is incredibly embarrassing to admit, but I think we somehow forgot how badly this had turned out… By baby #2, we stupidly did the same thing all over again!
{Hand to forehead}
My stepkids vowed they would never go with us to a coffee shop after that for fear of us sharing some kind of news they didn’t want to hear!
But, anyway.
Back to that day at the coffee shop with the first baby announcement…
It was heart-wrenching to see my stepkids sitting across the table from us with tears in their eyes. They were clearly not happy about the news of a new baby in the family.
Still, we tried to empathize. Deep down I knew that if I had received similar news as a child, I probably would have reacted in the same way.
Grab a copy of Heidi’s eBook about the resentment that can happen when adding an “ours baby” here!
Step-family emotions can be so difficult to navigate.
Things in a step-family often happen in a backwards order that can easily throw everyone for a loop… Things, for example, like telling a 12 and 9 year old that they would be getting a new sibling.
Then just hoping the news would somehow be welcomed with delight after their world had already seen some pretty drastic changes.
That might be the case in some families. However, for us that day, that was definitely not the case.
Consequently, the whole thing left me with a hollow feeling. It felt terrible to know that I had played a role in hurting them so deeply.
I tried to hide my sadness, but inwardly I was crushed.
Not only was I feeling sad and defeated, my husband was devastated to have hurt his children yet again. We both understood why they reacted the way they did and didn’t fault them or condemn them for their feelings.
Logically we knew that once they got used to the idea, they would be okay.
Yet, we had held onto the hope that just maybe they would have shared a tiny piece of our happiness.
So why were they so upset?
First, we were changing our little family that had so recently been formed.
In the months that had followed our wedding, we had spent time together doing family-friendly activities like hiking, sledding and exploring nearby towns.
It had been a sweet time of bonding and getting comfortable with each other.
Clearly, the kids had already gone through so much change. Their parents had divorced; then their dad had gotten remarried and they had acquired a new stepmom. Now they were getting the news of a baby entering the family.
Suddenly the security of what we had just built was being threatened. We recognized that they were feeling confused and vulnerable.
Frankly, they didn’t want any more changes.
Especially not one that came with loud crying and poopy diapers.
Second, they worried that our love for them wouldn’t be enough with a baby in the picture.
Understandably, each of my stepkids dealt with this in his/her own way.
Kids of a divorce often fear their relationship with the bio parent will be negatively altered when they have to share that relationship with a half-sibling.
They feel a deep loyalty to the bio parent and the idea of a new baby can feel like a threat to that bond.
My husband and Ryan had always shared a close bond and Ryan wasn’t sure he liked the idea of competition.
While Kathryn had similar sentiments as her brother, it was also clear that she questioned if it would affect the stepmom/stepdaughter bond that we had recently formed.
She wondered if my love for her would change once I had brought my own flesh and blood into the world.
Lastly, they were embarrassed.
It was bad enough to be out in public with us when we shared the news because they had no place to escape. But the thought of their friends walking into the coffee shop and see their red eyes from crying instilled horror in them.
Plus, how should they tell their friend at school? Talk about embarrassing!
They assumed their friends would think it was weird (and possibly gross!). It didn’t help that none of their friends had babies in their families.
And perhaps above all, what about the thought of being seen with me with a baby belly? For a couple of pre-teen kids, being in the company of a pregnant stepmom did not fit the criteria of fitting into the crowd.
Finally, they worried about how their biological mom would take the news.
Thus, we tried to ease their minds.
We assured them that what they were feeling was normal and once the baby was there, things would make more sense.
More importantly, their dad and I promised there would be more than enough love in our family to go around.
We told them their friends at school would get used to the idea and no one would ditch them for being from a weird family (we hoped!).
Unfortunately, as much as we tried, nothing was going to be fixed in the coffee shop that afternoon. My stepkids needed space and time to grieve what they felt they had lost.
We may have left the coffee shop feeling defeated, but we didn’t lose all hope. In time, they would come around…at least we prayed.
In the meantime, what was I supposed to do with my conflicted feelings?
What about my right to celebrate?
I had waited a long time for this moment in my life. I wasn’t really willing to let anyone rain on my parade. Yet, I had to remember that our marriage didn’t just involve my husband and me.
First, I had mourn the fact that I couldn’t openly and freely delight in my pregnancy the way other mothers could.
And second, I had to choose to not dwell on what I felt I wasn’t getting: namely validation and enthusiasm for something I was so happy about.
Sure, I could have dug my heels in and acted in any way I wanted. But my goal was to establish trust, not alienate my stepkids.
I was full of joy, but I tried to be discreet out of sensitivity to my stepkids.
Over the next several weeks, my heart had been healing. I was brimming with excitement as the baby grew inside me. In the following months I was determined to enjoy my pregnancy.
Like any other new mommy, I spent hours reading books about what to look forward to with my baby. Setting out to my new town’s consignment stores, I scoured the racks for deals on baby items.
I waited in anticipation for packages of baby gear I had ordered to arrive on the doorstep. Each time gifts arrived from friends and family, it felt like Christmas Day.
As the pregnancy progressed, I was delighted to find out the baby would be a girl.
But we weren’t out of the woods at home yet. A dark cloud had again settled over my stepdaughter when she found out she would be getting a baby sister.
Now she risked losing her place as the only daughter in the family.
I wanted to magically convince my stepdaughter that things wouldn’t ever change between us.
Only, I wasn’t sure.
My love for my stepkids was real. But it wasn’t blood.
And no matter what I did to invest in their lives, they already had a mom. Somehow I knew that a baby that was just mine would feel different, as much as I didn’t linger in those thoughts.
At home I kept the baby clothes tucked away in a closet. I handled and smoothed each item, admiring it as I imagined holding my precious baby. My baby.
I loved my stepkids, but I had never had the privilege of holding them as babies, rocking them, singing to them.
This was my turn.
As I re-folded each piece of baby clothes with care, I listened for the sound of my stepdaughter’s footsteps. Hearing them would mean hiding the piles again like I often did.
I was fearful that she would catch me daydreaming about my future baby girl and be confronted with more feelings of rejection.
If she could only understand that I had plenty of space in my heart for all the children in my life – step or biological.
But then, she saw me.
I watched her face closely, but instead of a look of rejection like I’d anticipated, I saw one of interest. She reached for the baby outfit I had in my hands.
When she smiled and cooed, I asked if she’d like to see some of the other dresses. She agreed and we sat there together looking at the miniature clothes, imagining our baby girl.
I told her she was going to be a wonderful big sister.
For the first time, it seemed like things were going to be okay. This wasn’t going to break us. We would learn together; after all, we were a family.
Listen to Heidi Farrell share more about her experience of being an “ours baby” with Ron Deal on the Family Life Blended Podcast HERE.
Wonder how to handle the complicated emotions you’re feeling or concerns you have about adding an “ours baby” to your own stepfamily, get a copy of Heidi’s eBook, entitled “How to Add an Ours Baby to Your Stepfamily…Without Letting Resentment Get in the Way” here!
