“Just Dad can come in. I am really mad.”
Knowing that I am a stepmom, you might assume that this note was left for me by a disgruntled stepchild.
You might assume that, as the stepmom, I had done something to upset the child. Or you might think that Dad is a pushover and always rescues the child from natural consequences. Or perhaps you’d surmise that the child is spoiled and isn’t used to being properly put in his/her place.
You might even think that was left for me by a stepdaughter with “mini wife syndrome,” you know, the stepdaughter who still hasn’t gotten used to her role as the leading lady in her dad’s life being usurped by her new stepmom, or who thinks the world revolves around her.
And if you thought any of these scenarios was the case, then frustration might rise up within you, because, if you’re also a stepmom, you may have felt this kind of disregard for your position in the family.
But the truth is, this note was left for me to see by my biological ours daughter. My flesh and blood.
Yes, it’s true.
My daughter left this note because was mad at me for telling her to rest in her bedroom for a while. She had been overly tired, and crankier than usual to me and her brothers that day. With another late night planned because of church activities, I decided she needed a little quiet time.
But she didn’t want to rest in her bedroom, so she got mad and yelled at me. She stomped off. Then she wrote this note.
And when I saw it, I smiled and chuckled quietly (lest she hear me through the door and get even angrier).
I gently spoke outside my daughter’s door.
“So should I tell Daddy to come in when he gets home from work?”
“Yes.”
It was more of a grunt.
Pause.
Then in a much more tender voice:
“I guess you can come in.”
So I went in and I sat on her bed and we had a nice, calm talk about her needing to control herself when she is mad, get more rest when she is tired, and the importance of valuing others.
And I told her how much I loved her and how I know she is a good girl with a good heart. I gave her a hug.
I didn’t bring up the sign hanging from her door. I didn’t take it personally.
But what if it had come from a stepchild?
Would the heat have risen in our cheeks? Would it have made our hearts pound a little faster? Would it have confirmed suspicions in our minds?
“Of course I’m not allowed in the room. Only Dad. Because I’m just the stepmom. They don’t actually love me.”
Would we grow indignant, even going so far as to entertain such thoughts as “Don’t they know how much I do for them? Will they ever respect me? I don’t know if I’m cut out for this role. I wish I was the one they wanted to talk to for once.”
The spiral of emotions. The tizzy we work ourselves into. Sound familiar?
But then we miss it.
We miss the innocent heart cry of a little child who just needs to let his or her emotions out in a safe place and be engulfed in a big bear hug afterward and be reminded of how special they are, even when they are being grouchy…even when they are being kind of unlovable and a little prickly.
Here’s my point:
Stepmoms, it’s not always about you.
Even when you are doing your best, sometimes kids just can’t express themselves in a way that makes sense to us. Sometimes their deepest fears or frustrations or fatigue come out in aggression and anger.
It can seem like anything we make up in our minds. It can feel like rejection. It might look like a spoiled child.
But so often it’s just an inner need that needs to be met.
Take a deep breath and know it is not about you. And when things calm down with the child, you can be right there with a warm smile and a “I’m here for you if you need me, Sweetie. It’s going to be okay.”
Keep on being calm and consistent.
Keep on being a positive, steady adult in the confusing little lives of the kids in your life, whether they are bio, step, adopted, foster, or entrusted in your care for a long time or a little while.
After all, bio kids hate their bio parents sometimes, too.
But it’s not really hate. It’s more of a “I hate that I don’t know how to calm down and express myself so we can all just be happy and so I don’t feel so out of control.”
Sometimes, all kids need is space and a little grace.
And if they just want Dad, give ‘em Dad. Don’t do it out of spite. Give them time with their daddy, knowing they need the security of his presence in that moment.
Let them know their emotions are okay; their emotions are something they can learn to deal with and that everything will be okay.
And eventually it will be.
