We all want to enjoy ourselves on holidays, especially after the rough blow that 2020 has brought! Yet, no matter how good our intentions are, the holidays can tend to bring out some of our deepest frustrations, hidden wounds, most delicate insecurities, and simple — but very real — annoyances.
So how do we navigate those feelings and move forward in a healthy way instead of just completely throwing in the towel (and perhaps the turkey) ?
1. First and foremost, we have to acknowledge the reality of what’s going on.
During the holidays, we are seeing people in larger doses. We are crammed into one house, sharing four walls with people whom we love, yet with whom we might share a complicated past or very different ideas about how to live, think or act.
We are often exposed to people with whom we normally might not normally even choose to spend time, and that might include our stepkids.
And some of these people really know how to push our buttons.
Things that normally might be mildly annoying on a normal day become full-fledged, larger-than-life issues that eat away at us faster than we’re going after those chips and guacamole in front of us.
We don’t want to feel this way: After all, don’t we all want to relax and enjoy ourselves and our family on the holidays?
And yet, it seems the more we try to stuff or fight those frustrated, uncomfortable feelings, the more we internalize them and get even more frustrated.
Unfortunately our feelings have to go somewhere and if we aren’t careful, they can spill out — often in a way that catches a spouse or other person off guard and causes even more stress and tension…or even completely ruins the holiday.
For a stepparent, often the holidays mean spending more time than usual with the stepchildren.
If you are a weekend stepparent, or a holiday/summer vacation stepparent, you are simply not able to have a set routine. You have a limited sphere of influence when it comes to training or setting predictable expectations for your stepchild.
Therefore, when you are put under the same roof for holiday — a time that is supposed to be happy and fun and full of laughter — it can quickly feel like damage control if you are dealing with attitudes, behavior issues, or backlash for something of which you aren’t even aware (or responsible for).
For a stepparent who has a more regular schedule with his/her stepchildren, depending on how much of a parental role you have been able to establish, things can still be tricky when it comes to holidays.
For example, if you are normally able to retreat to your bedroom for a momentary escape, that can be nearly impossible at the holidays when there is unavoidable time in a car together, meals to be prepared or other family members to spend time with.
If you have different ideas than your spouse about how to handle behavior or discipline situations, being stuck in one space with no escape during the holidays can feel suffocating.
So Where Are These Feelings Coming From?
If we want any chance of moving forward in a healthy way, we have to stop and recognize why we are feeling the way we do.
When it comes right down to it, we all have a set of values and expectations that help us navigate our life. When the choices, words, actions, or behaviors of someone in our inner circle make it hard to live within those values or expectations, we can easily feel like we are powerless.
For a stepparent who already feels slightly powerless, it can get even more dicey when if the child is acting in a way that is embarrassing or entitled around your family.
Even if you can sort of keep things under wraps at home, the holidays can bring out a dose of “extra” when it comes to kids and their attitudes and behaviors.
If doesn’t help when your spouse or partner doesn’t view things like you do, and instead of feeling supported, you feel alone and devalued.
Acknowledging WHY we are feeling embarrassed, frustrated, or defensive can be the first way to work toward harmony.
For example, if you are all with your parents but your stepchildren are wildly running around their house, being disrespectful, not using manners, or hiding behind their devices instead of socializing, being polite, we feel partially responsible for their behaviors.
We feel shame that we have brought the chaos or entitlement into our family’s home.
Or, if we are at the in-laws house and we feel that any kind of rules or behavioral expectations we have established at our house are being dismissed by their grandma or grandpa or aunts and uncles who allow them to do whatever they want (and thinks of us as the evil stepparent, I might add), it can suddenly feel like the authority we have worked to achieve is being minimized.
Whether traveling or hosting, any change of environment can bring out difficulties or stressors in anyone. Kids often react outwardly to new or uncomfortable circumstances. Likewise, we can be stressed and feel annoyed more quickly.
But be careful to let embarrassment or frustration dictate your response. If we aren’t careful, our frustration can quickly spill out onto our stepchild or spouse and cause us to act snippy or irritable which doesn’t help anyone.
Confronting The Situation
Powerless as we may feel, we are never actually completely powerless.
We can always control how we let our feelings affect us, and the boundaries we establish.
Above all, do an attitude check.
1. Are you being clear about the kind of behavior you want to see?
Think of yourself as a school teacher. Have you made it clear what you expect in a friendly manner? For example, if your stepkids are on their phones all day or being wild, and you can feel your frustration rising, don’t get bitter; be direct.
A simple, “Hey, SD, I am going to put you in charge of chopping potatoes while I work on the casserole. I’ll show you how to do it,”
Or “Buddy, we aren’t going to run around in Grandma’s house. You can put on a coat and go outside and run around or sit with Uncle Dave and play a board game.”
Being clear and direct in a kind way is far better than waiting around and getting mad when no one knows what you want.
2. Look inward. Are there things that you can let go of?
When we feel annoyed or frustrated, we should stop and consider what our part is. Are we expecting someone to act and think like us…and when they don’t, we are getting mad or defensive?
Acknowledging our own attitude of entitlement for what WE think WE deserve is of utmost importance when it comes to working toward healthy interactions with others. Does this mean we sacrifice our morals? No, it just means we look inward to see if maybe we are expecting others to see the world exactly like we do.
For a stepparent, this can even mean a spouse or partner.
That’s right — when a spouse or partner sees things differently than us and refuses to acknowledge behaviors or attitudes that we feel to be offensive, we should stop and look at the whole situation.
If Dad only sees his kids once in a while, he may only be seeing the good qualities and heart of the child where we see the negative things. We might feel like the child is manipulating Dad but he is just glad to be spending time with the kid he loves and misses.
Giving grace is key…even when it’s hard.
As hard a lesson as this has been for me personally over the years to accept, different parenting styles doesn’t have to mean bad!
3. Examine Your Heart and Speak the Truth in Love
If you’ve been offended by your spouse, child or stepchild, other family member, etc., decide if it was something you can let go of, or if you need to defend yourself.
If a confrontation of a situation is needed, a direct confrontation is always better than a passive-aggressive approach.
In fact, the Bible tells us to speak the truth in love. That means instead of letting our offenses stew or fester, we should gently but firmly state what needs to be communicated in a way that doesn’t leave room for interpretation.
When it comes to confronting your spouse or partner, do it gently and with grace and understanding of they are coming from so you aren’t triggering an insecurity or defense mechanism of their parenting skills.
Let them know you are glad that your stepkids are there before addressing a problem. Yet, if you don’t address the issue on your mind, you will undoubtedly grow bitter or let your resentment spill out in other ways which isn’t good for any relationship long-term.
The key is to first examine our role in the situation and not to ambush or attack the other person.
4. Stepparent, You Matter!
Oftentimes, stepparents are given the message that they should accept any kind of treatment given to them.
But that is not true, nor is it biblical. We answer first to God, not man. In order to honor Him, that means sometimes creating healthy boundaries for ourselves. If we don’t draw a line in the sand as to what kind of ways we expect others to treat us, we should not be surprised if people sometimes go too far.
If your boundaries or attempt at confrontation are dismissed, then you need to be ready to follow through with a consequence. In some cases this is a light consequence, like deciding to not interact or help a stepchild who is being demanding or rude until they show respect.
In more serious cases, this could mean giving physical distance until there is a promise to communicate under calmer conditions, whether that is with a stepchild, spouse, or other family member. If you are dealing with destructive behavior or abuse, then seek professional help immediately.
But if you are simply dealing with bothersome behaviors or attitudes, decide what to address and follow through with, or what you can let go of.
5. Lastly, keep in mind that everything is temporary!
This holiday won’t last forever; this season of life won’t last forever. We can all do hard things for short periods of time.
Not everything needs to be made into an issue. Take some time to step away from the situation that is bothering you. Breathe, pray, surrender it to God.
Try to look for the good instead of just focusing on the things that are getting under your skin. Find ways to clearly teach or model what you want to see.
And above all, try to relax and enjoy yourself despite the annoyances!
Go ahead — laugh a little, too!
