The Key to Dealing with Transition-Tension in a Blended Family

“Get some rest and enjoy being alone for the afternoon.”

Those were the words my husband suggested to me on that Sunday afternoon. It was transition day and my husband’s ex-wife had just pulled into the driveway to drop off my stepkids for a week.

“I’ll bring the kids with me on some errands and maybe take them to a movie,” he finished as he ran outside to meet them.

It was our first year of marriage, and I had recently become an insta-mom of two stepkids. To be honest, I had been feeling a little anxious about the arrival of my stepkids back at our house.

When it came to transition days – picking up/dropping off kids or transporting them from one house to another – I had begun to recognize a familiar, uncomfortable feeling settle over me. My nervous system seemed to be at high alert in anticipation for their arrival. I wasn’t sure where it stemmed from.

The ironic thing is I loved my stepkids and I hated feeling that way.

 

 

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Why Transitions Are So Tricky

 

One of the trickiest parts of being in a blended family can be handling the complicated emotions surrounding pick ups and drop offs.

Unless the family has primary custody, regular transitions between homes are usually pretty inevitable until the child is old enough to drive him/herself.

In our case, we had the kids every other week with our 50/50 custody agreement that first year. Having a week on/week off schedule meant that we had a little time to enjoy living as newlyweds, since I hadn’t brought any kids into the marriage.

When it was our week with the kids, however, we dove in as if they had always been there. Other than not liking the anxious feeling I had on transition days, I really did enjoy having the kids around.

So where was the feeling coming from?

 

Transitioning between homes is a constant reminder of all the things that are broken.

FOR STEPKIDS

It’s a constant reminder that they do not have one permanent home. They are required to adapt to a different set of house rules and expectations.

They must remember all the appropriate schoolwork, instruments, sports gear, etc., not to mention favorite items like a stuffed animal or sweatshirt, when transitioning each time.

FOR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS

It’s a reminder that they do not get to see their biological child(ren) freely and unrestricted.

They sometimes have to face a difficult ex and be expected to co-parent with someone they are not married to.

FOR THE STEPPARENT

It’s a regular confrontation with the difficult balance between feeling like the parent and not feeling like the parent.

It is not knowing what to expect. Did the kids bring the right stuff, had they been fed, and…what on earth are you wearing, child!?

It’s wondering if there will be a confrontation with the bio mom.

In my case, I questioned how my stepson would adjust to the different expectations of discipline and routine in our household. And then I wondered if it would lead to tension between my husband and myself.

 

But, if I’m being honest, it went deeper than that.

 

When the kids were around us for a week, I got used to being a mom.

Whether or not I could claim any biological rights to these kids, I did all the motherly duties like waking them up for school, picking out my stepson’s outfits, feeding them meals and snacks, chauffeuring them to activities and sports.

And at home it meant investing in them by listening to them, helping them with homework, reading to them at bedtime and tucking them in for the night.

But before I knew it, the week was over and our house was quiet again as they went back to their mom’s house. They would leave our influence, our habits, our morals and goals for them.

When our kids would return a week later, they would reflect her.

Their real mom. 

They would sound like her and think like her. They would have her influence and her stamp on their character.

Each and every transition day would be marked by a piece of my husband’s ex-wife entering our home. It wasn’t her fault; it’s simply the way it was.

 

Turns out, I wasn’t the only one feeling tension with transition days.

 

For my stepkids, dealing with the unknown was enough to cause anxious feelings in them, too.

I began to notice a pattern of headaches in my stepdaughter. They always came the day before transition day on both ends. My stepson may not have felt physical discomfort, but he reacted subconsciously to all the changes by acting out, putting us all on edge.

Sometimes the reacquainting period took just minutes, sometimes hours and sometimes a day or two.

Regardless of whether it was long or short, we had to figure out how to make the transition smoother. In short, I had to learn how to give grace.

 

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The Key To Making Transitions Easier: BE WELCOMING

 

I had made the choice to nurture and love my stepkids, but one thing wasn’t good: my attitude on transition day.

The tension and anticipation of how I was feeling was being reflected on my face and in my voice.

I had to give grace and focus on how I was coming across.

(And if the following seems too hard to do right now, it’s okay to fake it ’til ya make it! It WILL pay off!)

If my stepkids were getting into the car, this meant turning around to greet them with a smile. If they were coming into our house, this meant greeting them with a smile AND (if they were open to it) a offering hug.

My words needed to be welcoming and encouraging. “Hi, Sweetie! I’m so glad to see you!”

This kind of a welcoming spirit is so important in order for stepchildren to relax. They need to know they are valued in our home.

 

What Being Welcoming Means

 

Being welcoming means keeping our speech positive.

It is imperative to NOT start off the time together with anything even slightly critical or negative. No comments about an outfit, unkempt hair, a lack of winter coat or about the fact the child had not been fed a real meal all day.

Basically anything that can get me all in a tizzy!

Friend, it’s HARD to keep quiet!! But there needs to be a buffer before we make any kind of a comment that could be perceived as negative. If our goal for home transitions is to create a safe and welcoming environment for the child, this often means holding our tongues!

As we calm down and gather our thoughts, we can address important issues in a less threatening way later.

Being welcoming means giving grace to a child who might be acting out.

I don’t mean excusing poor behavior. But it does mean keeping the root of the behavior in mind. Take the time to look into the eyes of the child and really speak to his/her heart. Set appropriate boundaries for the behavior, but do so in love.

Above all else, be encouraging to the child.

 

Being welcoming means creating family rituals to ease the transition.

By becoming intentional, we parents can do a lot to change the climate of home transitions. In addition to being welcoming, consider implementing a ritual in your family.

If the children are younger, think about starting a secret handshake as a greeting. It’s little things like this that bring a sense of family unity and belonging.

Have a regularly-planned game like hide and seek the night of the return. It will give the child something fun to look forward to and help with their mental preparation of entering your home.

If the child is older, taking time to catch up in a calm moment is so important. I have found in raising teenagers that late in the evening when the house is quiet is a time they typically open up more.

 

 

Lastly, but most importantly, we cannot forget to PRAY.

 

Over the years, I have needed (and still need) to pray for transitions.

I pray for:

• Peace to enter my mind and body
• Unity in our home and a smooth adjustment period
• My stepkids to know Jesus better through my example of warmth and grace

God desires to calm our nerves and give us the grace to extend to our stepkids.

When we responded to the calling of raising children that we did not give birth to, He never expected us to handle these complicated emotions without His strength!

 

Moving Forward

 

In our situation, after our first year of marriage, we ended up getting primary custody and moving out of state. This meant we no longer had to deal with weekly home transitions.

Still, anytime my stepkids came back from a trip to see their biological mom, the feelings were still there.

I had to be intentional about being welcoming each time they came home, AND I had to be intentional about giving us all a grace period for our emotions to settle down.

Nowadays, when my stepdaughter returns from college, we don’t have the same anxious feelings anymore. Still, I try to make a point to give her an adequate welcoming period as she transitions from a life of college-student freedom back into a home with small children.

And when my teenage stepson opens the door after school, work or hanging out with friends, I make a point to greet him, too. It is my desire that even in the hubbub and activity that they both know their presence with us is noticed and special.

With an welcoming attitude, slowly home transitions become less of a stress-inducing thing. Rather, they become an opportunity to exhibit God’s grace and love to our stepchildren.