When Stepfamily Life and Being a Stepmom is Hard

We sat around a circle of chairs and couches in our living room.  I bounced a wiggly baby on my lap as tears threatened to sting my eyes and my heartbeat grew more intense.  

I got the courage to speak up, but almost as soon as the words began to spill out, I felt the burden of what I was saying.  It was too late to reel the words back in.  

My baby squirmed and I stuck a cereal puff in her mouth to distract her.  

The topic was marriage. It was not specifically a stepfamily life group, but rather, married couples from our church.

The church small group that was meeting every Sunday night at our house had just gotten vulnerable.  The leaders had just shared a dark place they had just walked through in their marriage as a couple, and that had opened the doors for others to share, including myself.  

That’s when I heard the words come out of my mouth that I knew I couldn’t take back.  

“Our marriage would be great if it weren’t for our issues with my stepson.”  

I felt the weight of the eyes on me. 

As someone who is always sensitive to how I’m perceived by others, which intensified when I became a stepmom, I immediately felt guilt for framing a child for our struggles. I tried to make some lighthearted comment to lessen the sting of my implication.  

Thankfully, the people in the room knew us well enough to know how much I loved and cared for my stepson.  

The people in the room each carried their own marital burdens, after all, and we were all there to give each other grace and encouragement, stepfamily or not.

But after the last person left our house that night, I was left with the aftermath of what I had said.  As the words I had spoken aloud repeated in my head, it caused me to have to look inward.  

Did I truly believe my stepson was the root of our marital discord?  

Did I truly believe everything would be perfect if we weren’t raising his kids together? 

The truth was, it wasn’t my stepson’s fault and deep down I knew it. It was no one’s fault.

But we were also in a pressure cooker situation.  

It was year two of our blended marriage.  

In the previous 9 months, we had moved to a new state after gaining primary custody of the kids and had welcomed our first “ours baby” into the family.  

We were all undergoing some major life changes.  I was learning how to be a stepmom. We were all learning how to be a family under one roof with a new set of household expectations and a baby to share our time, energy, and love with.  

“Why is being a stepmom so hard?” I thought.

I was so thankful for that small group from church, and for subsequent small groups and friends after we moved from that town, but they couldn’t totally guide us through our marital differences with a stepchild who was pushing the boundaries.  

I knew my husband was uncomfortable that evening.  He had sat next to me in silence, and I can only imagine how he must have felt as I put blame on the son he desperately loved.  

Yet, as the stepmom of a boy who was pushing every boundary, arguing, complaining, negotiating, begging, and sometimes flat out refusing to cooperate…  

And as the wife of a man who I believed gave in to his son’s whims far too easily, or seemed to take my stepson’s side if there was ever a discussion or argument between my stepson and me… 

I felt trapped.  Being a stepmom is hard.

I was an intruder on their deep bond that far preceded me in the picture.  Even if that was never his intention, that’s how I sometimes felt.  

But that’s not the end of our story.  

And if you can relate to any of that, it doesn’t have to be the end to yours, either.  

But it took a LOT of supporting each other, praying, releasing control to God, and letting the non deal-breakers go.  

It took a lot of listening to each other and to the wisdom of others, and humbly accepting that neither of us was the “right” one, but that we were a team.  

Recently, we had a date night.

As we sat there, squished together on one side of the table, with almost 10 years of marriage behind us, we were proud of how far we’ve come, and we were thankful. 

We were thankful for people who have been there, walking next to us and encouraging us when the road before us was bumpy. 

We were thankful for each other and not giving up when it was so hard. 

We were thankful for the growth we have seen in our parenting and the maturity in my stepson.  

And we are thankful to a faithful God, whose hand was always on our marriage and our family, guiding, teaching, and protecting us.  

Because all those years ago, if we had given up on each other in that pressure cooker situation, we would have missed out on the best that was yet to come.

Being a stepmom is hard, I know! If you would like to join our Not Just a Stepmom Membership Community OR talk to me about your experience and work on building your step relationships, book a stepmom coaching session (or try it out for free) today!